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a great escape;
[ this planet.. is a tranquil one. lonely, but peaceful. there are no intelligent species here, but that is, perhaps, for the best - dan feng's penance continues, after all. in escaping the luofu he was not attempting to escape general punishment, only the molting rebirth. fear of losing himself, of losing his memories, his sense of self..
perhaps it made him a coward, to flee, but warm memories are all he has now, and he could not bear to part with them just yet.
so here he waits, alone in his own beautiful purgatory, awaiting the end of his days, nursing his ailing mind, existing in torment and in bliss in equal measure. his hatching rebirth will come in time, and only then, perhaps, will he be free of his sin, or at the very least, free of his pain. the crime of the previous life must be atoned for in the next, but.. his memories of the quintet would vanish, save for in dreams, and his reincarnation could live on.
it's a lush, lovely planet, where he has escaped to, slowly orbiting the glowing deep of a black hole, where time, for him, runs more slowly, dragging out like a string of sticky molasses. there are thick forests and vast wetlands, eighty percent of this world is water, and there is no sign that intelligent life has ever existed here. no ruins. no scrawled paintings in caves. no hidden chambers beneath the seas. three hundred years he has spent combing the globe and found nothing to suggest that anyone but he has walked the earth here. only animals. insects. fish. they make decent company, but dan feng still keeps to himself, living out of a modest shelter built near the water's edge.
three hundred years, and he speaks to no one, says nothing, until the day the majestic luofu blots out the light of the diffracting black hole.
the sight of it stills his heart in his breast, and dan feng finds his throat running dry, but when the small starskiff lands he is standing quietly, watchful and calm, the tip of his tail swaying behind him as he watches jing yuan disembark, resplendent in his general's clothing. he takes a deep breath.. releases it. ]
.. you must have been very keen to find me, to brave the dangers of the black hole.
[ for time.. time is a precious thing, every hour he spends here could be a year on the luofu. ]
perhaps it made him a coward, to flee, but warm memories are all he has now, and he could not bear to part with them just yet.
so here he waits, alone in his own beautiful purgatory, awaiting the end of his days, nursing his ailing mind, existing in torment and in bliss in equal measure. his hatching rebirth will come in time, and only then, perhaps, will he be free of his sin, or at the very least, free of his pain. the crime of the previous life must be atoned for in the next, but.. his memories of the quintet would vanish, save for in dreams, and his reincarnation could live on.
it's a lush, lovely planet, where he has escaped to, slowly orbiting the glowing deep of a black hole, where time, for him, runs more slowly, dragging out like a string of sticky molasses. there are thick forests and vast wetlands, eighty percent of this world is water, and there is no sign that intelligent life has ever existed here. no ruins. no scrawled paintings in caves. no hidden chambers beneath the seas. three hundred years he has spent combing the globe and found nothing to suggest that anyone but he has walked the earth here. only animals. insects. fish. they make decent company, but dan feng still keeps to himself, living out of a modest shelter built near the water's edge.
three hundred years, and he speaks to no one, says nothing, until the day the majestic luofu blots out the light of the diffracting black hole.
the sight of it stills his heart in his breast, and dan feng finds his throat running dry, but when the small starskiff lands he is standing quietly, watchful and calm, the tip of his tail swaying behind him as he watches jing yuan disembark, resplendent in his general's clothing. he takes a deep breath.. releases it. ]
.. you must have been very keen to find me, to brave the dangers of the black hole.
[ for time.. time is a precious thing, every hour he spends here could be a year on the luofu. ]
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It makes him ache. And he already aches enough!
His thoughts begin to reshape themselves and refocus. Yingxing is fading away but not enough to allow that all consuming rage to bubble over again. Though he holds no affection for the person weeping against him. Whose holding his face as if they know one another. They don't... Not anymore. He has so few memories of Dan Feng and in turn Dan Feng has no clue what kind of person he is now.
They are nothing more than strangers.]
Why are you here? [Blade retracts from both men reaching out to both of them with their bond. He lashes out and snaps at Jing Yuan's touch and more so at Dan Feng's.] You cannot grant my wish and thus your presence is a burden... Kafka won't let me kill you so run away because when my duty is done I will finish what I started here.
Or go back to hiding as you have these endless centuries...
[For all his words are cruel and sharp, purposely to push the other away he makes no move to pull away himself, other than dropping the sleeve from his broken grasp. Maybe because it hurts. Maybe that part of Yingxing doesn't want to be let go of. Whatever the reason he can only hope that Dan Feng leaves him here on the ground and he can simply wait for Kafka's return. And then she can erase this whole encounter from his mind allowing him some peace from this torment.]
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I -
[ why is he here, chasing after a man that does not want him? blade lashes at his attempt to reach through the bond, and dan feng retreats from it, aching and mourning. he thought he was strong enough for this, but perhaps he is not, his heart has ever been his weakest point, so easily cut and bruised, shattered like hollow glass.
why does he not remember? they had gone into their doom together, made the choice to damn themselves together, whatever it took to return baiheng to their side. he can only assume it was due to his own mistakes. his mishandling of the ritual. what is it that bred this awful hatred? he does not know how to answer blade's question, he does not know what the right thing to do might be. perhaps he never should have left jing yuan's arms, and faced this terrible nightmare.
swallowing thickly, dan feng pulls back, his face smeared with blood, and one hand slides over blade's chest, cloudhymn stirring to begin healing him. he'll heal on his own, of course, but.. ]
I am here.. for you. For Jing Yuan. For myself.
[ but the idea of making amends, or attempting to, seems.. laughable, now. ]
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For me... You mean for him. And he no longer exists, Imbibitor Lunae. He died and only a walking corpse remains.
[He slowly opens his eyes, purposely avoiding looking at Dan Feng he stares up at the sky instead, breathing in slow as the cloudhymn magic brushes along his broken body. It can heal this recent wound, perhaps make it so it won't leave a scar among all the others but it can't fix the rest of him. This ugly husk of flesh that keeps on moving despite his wishes.]
Of five names three must pay a price... Yours. And mine. And Jingliu... We are all guilty. And all must be punished for our sins...
[Beiheng is dead. And the fifth name... Blade closes his eyes tight feeling his chest seize up. A young boy he sees in his memory. But he was an old general at recent meetings. He will be gone soon too. The youngest among them and gone before them all. He clenches his teeth and sits up.]
Why did you bind him to us?
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[ the fact of the matter is, that blade is perhaps not so far removed from yingxing as he wants to be. he cares about the past so much that it's pushing him to vengeance - he cannot have it both ways, cannot claim to no longer be that man, when he carries on in his fury. ]
Walking corpses cannot feel a need for vengeance.
[ the cloudhymn fades, the healing complete, but dan feng's hand remains where he left it, resting on blade's chest. when he posits his next question, dan feng's eyes lift to his face. he feels hollow inside, but the mention of jing yuan.. ]
Because I love him. Because he wanted it. I could not deny him.
[ for he wanted it, too. wanted so badly to feel that warmth and closeness again, to show jing yuan his heart in its entirety. he should have done it long ago. ]
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Surely there is...
But should there be one he cannot recall. He focuses on the other thing instead. Binding Jing Yuan to them for whatever senseless reason. Why? Because he wanted it. Blade actively huffs and words from the past spill out faster than he can stop them.]
He's a brat and you spoil him...
[He clenches his jaw and squeezes his eyes shut. His words aren't wrong, he does not think. Jing Yuan... spoiled till the very end. He... They always gave into his whims and wants. Because... Because...]
Why now? After all this time. He gains nothing from it but grief. Why confirm what he already knew with something as useless as a bond between us. [His bandaged hand reaches for his head and he has to breath out slow so not to work up the threatening mara with this conversation.] This is why he's a brat...
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a pity all he had gotten was two wretched monsters. ]
He's stronger than you think. He may gain grief, but there is also warmth, and love. A connection across the vastness of space. I can feel him even now.
[ dan feng's free hand moves to his chest, and though his grief remains raw and his heart still feels hollow, he feels the bond between them all, a string that cannot be cut by anything but death. he reaches for jing yuan, holds to him, leans on his warmth and his strength to get him through this cold darkness. he's always so selfish.. but he cannot face this alone. blade's sharp and cruel demeanor toward him hurts like fire in his soul. ]
Of all of us.. he deserves happiness. I would see that he has it, in what capacity I am able. The three of us, together in the end.
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That chapter is over. There is no going back. Wishing otherwise is a foolishness that none of them can spare.
But... There's a part of him that still exists that knows that Dan Feng speaks the truth. That of them all, save for Baiheng, he does deserve the best. The youngest of them all who shone so brightly. Who pursued his wants so endlessly. Who bravely dared to reach for something must would think a fool's errand. Who tied himself to the Luofu despite his dreams which should have led him elsewhere.
He remembers, faintly, hearing that he was there and knowing that wasn't right. That he shouldn't be general. He had dreams outside that ship. So... why? Why did he remain in place waiting for those who had no intention of returning home? Clinging to a past that shattered before his eyes...
Blade reaches out tentatively, struggling with the bond especially after lashing out. The General is keeping his distance but he pursues. It's an unkind pursuit, probably a touch painful due to his demands of the other person and his clumsy handling.
He presses against Jing Yuan, prying information and emotions to try and find out why he allowed this. For what purpose has he done the things he's done. Why connect. Why forgive Dan Feng. It's a flurry of questions and demands that rattles against the bonds of both of them.
He eventually gets his answer. Or at least pieces of an answer. Enough of them that he can paint a picture.
He sees the bracers that he made for himself and Dan Feng. Their matching scarlet earrings. He sees many promised nights where he remained at the forge instead of returning as promised, lost in the craft. The most damning being the night before Jing Yuan had to leave for a war with Jingliu. One that took him away for nearly a decade. So many moments and missing moments that began to weave a picture of doubt that Jing Yuan carried with him for hundreds of years.
He didn't know with complete certainty that he truly was their whole world.
The realization quiets him. It quiets everything in him. Mara and rage and madness. His thoughts are completely silent as he sits in the puddle of his own blood with Dan Feng.]
He didn't know... [This is the closest he's been to being Yingxing in a long time.] I was going to make him a bracer too. But Shuhu attacked sooner than we expected and he got hurt.
[He can see it clearly as if it was just yesterday. Jingliu screaming his name and looking over to see the light fading from those golden eyes. Dan Feng's dragon instincts taking over at the sight of it. Baiheng falling shortly after, fading into nothing but dust. There was no time to craft. To whisper assurances to their dying third whom he thought for certain, at the time, would not pull through. Jingliu was falling to pieces at these losses...
They had to...
A sharpness pierces through his recollections, stopping him there. But he's gathered enough. Recalled enough for the moment. And he thinks he gets it. Understands enough. He glances over at Dan Feng and looks at him, truly looks at him with a clarity in his eyes that has not been there since the start of this whole mess.]
You want us to be there when the mara takes him...?
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and then baiheng -
he couldn't lose them both. he had to save them all.
didn't you learn long ago that you can't save everyone?
dan feng closes his stinging eyes, allowing the memories to wash over him as if they were fresh. all these years later and still he feels it so keenly. he can only thank the heavens that jing yuan pulled through in the end, but.. by then it had been far too late. the damage was done, and dan feng lost them both to his own recklessness. had he taken more time to understand the arcanum, had he not acted so rashly -
the regret swims and churns in his stomach, a sickly, sour feeling, but regret will not change the past. he feels blade's eyes resting on him, and so he opens his own again, his heart like heavy stone in his breast. slowly, dan feng nods, finally drawing his hand away from blade's bloodied chest. ]
.. yes. He deserves to spend his last years in peace, in love and care, with those he yearns for most. And.. so do you.
[ even if dan feng means nothing to him now, even if he is only to be reviled by one of his heart's greatest loves, he will.. endure it, if it means peace for the two of them. if it means they can find a little sliver of happiness before the end, in this sea of darkness - he will weather all of blade's fury and cruelty and vengeful hate. he must. ]
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He also has no guarantee that he will remain lucid. That he can just coexist with these two members of his past and play... house, or whatever this foolish dream is. It's folly, he knows that much. But, for Jing Yuan, it is a better fate than that which awaits him if he stays on the Luofu. The beloved General of the Xianzhou brought to the Shackling Prison to face the fate of all those that become marastruck. So yes, better with those that love him.
And he thinks he understands now why Dan Feng has come to him... A request not from himself but for what will be the final wish of Jing Yuan once the script comes to a close.]
I make you no promises... I may not be in any state to come. [It's not a dmissal but a fact that must be accepted.] But do him a favor, if this is truly your intent, and don't look at him like he's already dead. I would catch you, on occasion, looking as if you were already mourning my passing when I was still right there.
He's still alive... [And so is he... regrettably.] Remember that.
[Blade breaths out slow adjusting to how clear his thoughts are for the moment. He moves to get up and be done with this entire interaction but his body, while healed, still lost most of its blood. It's on the floor beneath the both of them, actually. The wave of dizziness that follows even the motion to get up is too much and he settles back on the ground, eyes closing in exhaustion.
His body will recover but it is... annoying.]
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it's a pain he deserves. one he will shoulder, for those he loves. yingxing may no longer love him, but dan feng loves him, and he will continue to do all that he can for him. for both of them. if that means that he must keep his distance, to keep from aggravating blade's mara, from aggravating his heart, then he will do so. he had hoped.. hoped that they would be able to mend something between them, that they would be able to welcome jing yuan with love, but blade doesn't plan to stay. he's already trying to leave. grief ripples through their bond, but he says nothing, does not try to convince him to stay, no matter how much he wants it.
how many years will he have to wait alone in the cold stars, far from jing yuan's warmth, living with yingxing's hate? ]
I will.
[ he says softly, his fingers twitching toward blade when he tries to stand, eager to keep him close despite it all, but he quickly reins it in. ]
I'll leave you to recover, then.
[ he says hollowly, though before he stands.. he hesitates, then lifts his hand to his ear to remove the red tasseled earring there, the mate to blade's own. the one he still wears, somehow. he presses the earring into blade's palm. ]
Take this. Please. Maybe it will.. help you to remember us. The good things.
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This is...
This is not something he should have.
This was a gift, carefully strung together by his own hands. Simple and subtle as was the intention so not to attract those to its true meaning. The crashing of waves against the shore. The moon high. And only two others to witness a whispered union. Jingliu on Dan Feng's side and Baiheng on his. Jing Yuan not yet a part of their number. Not yet known to be dear. His absence from this and knowledge of it would be the reason he pursued them after his joining. He'd have never dared otherwise, of this he's certain...
He can't remember every moment of the evening. Every detail or word said. But parts of it shine through the cracks of his broken memory.
Blades broken fingers twitch around the object in his hand unable to close around it. Too stiff and injured to do anything.]
I can't hide secrets nor sorrow. Just as I can't hide the joy of loving you. Nor can I hide the hesitation of separation.
If one day, you want to leave me, I would not try to keep you. I know you have your reasons. If one day, you say you still love me, I would tell you, in fact, I have been waiting for you.
If one day, we walk past each other, I would stop, looking back at you. I would tell myself that I love that person still.
Perhaps a person can fall in love many times in a lifetime... But there is always a certain someone who can make us laugh the loudest. Cry the hardest. And think the deepest.
The smoke from the forge is settling and I'm waiting for you at the door.
The leaves are turning yellow and I'm waiting for you beneath the trees.
The sun is setting and I'm waiting for you at the full moon.
The rain is coming and I'm waiting for you with an umbrella.
The rivers are frozen and I'm waiting for you by the sea.
And when I get too old I will wait for you in the next life.
I will always wait for you.
[Moonlit vows spoken from an old memory long thought forgotten and destroyed or removed. For that's the problem... It's all missing. Every moment and memory is stripped from him. Only the anger and hate and ugly things remain. Sometimes things resurface...
He tilts his head up to look at Dan Feng, brows furrowed and confused but he pushes the earring back.]
I gave this... to you. I cannot keep it...
[He has an earring too. One he always wears. Just like the bracer. Just like the broken weapon he wields.
That broken sword, you can't let go of the past, can you blade? Her voice rings through his ears as she mocks his broken mind clinging yet detesting the memories of the past.]
What does it mean... these earrings? Those words... I can't remember...
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but only for a few moments. his hand remains over the earring in blade's palm. ]
When you asked me to marry you.. I was sure that you were joking. That you were teasing me. After all, I was such a sour thing sometimes, and distant in ways that made things difficult, but you did not relent, just as you never relented in pursuing me to begin with. I told you I said yes simply to quiet you, but that was not the truth. I said yes because I wanted nothing more than to be bound with you for the rest of my life.
[ a flutter in his breast, and dan feng exhales softly, recalling the sweet memories of their wedding night, how the moon had shone over the rippling water as they exchanged words and jewelry and promises that they never wanted to break. through it all, their bond still pursues, linking them, even if his once husband could not remember why, or how. dan feng's heartbreak and devotion thrum through it, even now. ]
I do not have your gift for words, for sweet promises and for thoughtful poetry, but I do have my heart to give to you, bleeding and tender.
Care for it, ai de, as I will care for yours, for this heart was truly your greatest work. Carefully, perhaps recklessly you pried away the cold walls that protected it and scooped it up for yourself with greedy, loving hands.
You tended me like a garden, growing this heart like a lotus, effortless in your cultivation and careful creation until I bloomed for you beneath the moon.
Without you, I was empty. Before you, I was cold.
Now, with this bond, I take your heart for my own in exchange for the everlasting lotus. Please care for me, for I am yours to keep.
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And there are some things he's certain he'll never forget. The taste of rice wine as they celebrate. The warmth of Jing Yuan. Baiheng's brilliant laugh. The chill of Jingliu. And...
He lifts his head up some to meet the brilliant eyes of Dan Feng... What does he remember when he recalls Dan Feng? So much of him has been forgotten and carved out. The name and face bring only anger and rage. But now something else festers with this newly restored knowledge. Something that he's certain he needs to cultivate, just like the words in the vow just spoken.
Blade's fingers twitch beneath Dan Feng's touch, still unable to fold them in to hold the item or the hand within his own. He leans in instead, eyes searching the familiar face yet unfamiliar person, his nose brushing against the former High Elder's.]
Help me remember... Help remind me who you are...
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their noses touch, and dan feng feels his chest constrict. blade smells of blood and steel, but also of familiarity, of old, stirring memory, and he can't help the soft, wounded noise that passes his lips. ]
Let me help you, then.
[ he whispers, knowing full well how dangerous this could be, knowing that blade could strike at any time, but it's a chance he must take to keep the promise, to help both of his lovers, to give blade his memories back, and cultivate the garden for jing yuan. his free hand lifts, still sticky with cooled blood, and he drags the pad of his thumb along the soft rise of blade's cheekbone, before he's tilting his head, closing the tiny amount of distance between them in a soft and gentle kiss, while his opposite hand threads their fingers together, the earring held between.
through their bond, blade will feel all of dan feng's heart, the ugly and broken, the warm and yearning, but with it comes the memories. flashes of yingxing's youth, his brilliant sharp smile seen through dan feng's eyes, and all the love in his violet eyes. there's aurum alley, where they walk arm in arm through the night, the lunarescent depths where they share their vows, and the soft silk of yingxing's sheets as they fall together in desperate need. there are warm, sunny days spent lounging in gardens, and dan feng's soft smile as he approaches yingxing at the forge.
the exchanging of bracers meant to link them together. shared tea and meals. arguments and disagreements. sweet kisses in passing as yingxing left to work, and came back late. years and years of memories, some sweet, others sour, but all of them persistent and full of unending love. ]
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That man is dead... Your Yingxing...
[He growls out the words before smashing their lips together, teeth tugging at the bottom of Dan Feng's lips as he exchanges memories in turn. Of the life that came after.
They're fractured and broken, grainy like old film. But they are all he has. There is Jingliu, eyes bleeding with madness killing him over and over and over again until her sword is broken. There is him picking up the pieces of the weapon he crafted her, cradling the shards to his chest.
There is him chasing down a young boy with dark hair. He holds Cloud Piercer and the bracer is secure on his arm. His expression is panicked and afraid as Blade's laugh, manic and frightening, echo off the walls. The scene shifts to Cloud Piercer being shoved through Blade's chest... still laughing as the life fades from him.
There is him being dragged to the Shackling Prison and is pushed towards Jing Yuan who looks down at him expressionless. And despite everything he feels nothing for the white haired general, he knows him. Knows who he is not. But thanks to Kafka wiping him clean before arriving that's all he knows of the man.
There is a series of endless atrocities. Of walking past his own face on wanted posters. Dead or alive they say with an absurd amount of credits. But it is not all grim and dark. There is Kafka playing a violin in their shared base. The sound of the strings help lull him to sleep late at night. There is a young silver haired girl trying to show him video games and how to blow bubbles with gum. Who looks over his wounds with a frown when he can't hold the controller just right. There are others. Some gone. Some remain. Many faces and names mostly forgotten in this long endless existence.]
I am all that is left... A weapon. A Blade... The great High Elder of the Vidyadhara would surely not be satisfied with a husk of a person. I know this isn't what you hoped to find...
You should leave me be... for I am not and never will be who that missing person once was. You're looking for ghosts, Dan Feng...
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.. I do not believe that. He is not dead.
[ he is sitting right here, before him. dan feng does not care what anyone says, he can only know what he feels. ]
Changed, yes. Changed in ways that.. that he can never come back from. But until you are truly dead and gone, you are no husk. Your rage and your vengeance.. they are proof that you are alive.
[ it is a struggle not to weep again, not to allow the tears in his eyes to fall, but he bites them back, keeps as strong as he can, though for all dan feng may have been the most powerful among them.. when it comes to matters of the heart, he is surely the weakest.
he squeezes blade's hand, leaving the earring there as his hand draws away. ]
Please, keep it, and.. make the choice for yourself. If you continue on as you have been, I will make no attempt to stop you, nor will I give chase, but should you choose to stay, I will have you.
[ and he will make no judgment, no matter what his beloved decides. dan feng has no room to judge others' decisions. if his love has found a home with others now, and wishes to leave the past behind.. then so be it, but dan feng wants the choice to be his, and his alone, not a compulsion, or an obligation. only blade can choose his own path. ]
And no matter what you choose, I will love you, until the end.
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Don't leave this here with me... It will get ruined...
[Torn and tattered and bloody. There's no possible way he could preserve it. Should the mara take hold and send him into a frenzy he's liable to destroy it all on his own.
There's something about leaving it here. Giving it back, in a sense. It causes a sensation, an ache, deep in his heart. He may never have the opportunity to return it either. And as this is the real Dan Feng... This is all they have left of one another. So many other precious items lost. Lost on the Luofu. Lost to time and decay.]
...At the very least take mine in exchange.
[That doesn't satisfy him but it's a concession.]
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then so be it. the earring will bring him nothing but pain, should that happen. a reminder of a great love lost. it is better that blade keeps it. but an exchange.. he supposes that is fair.
lifting his hands, dan feng brushes the dark hair from blade's ear and carefully removes the earring there, the beloved mate to his own. then, taking up the tasseled one, he replaces the empty space, so that the earring blade wears is dan feng's, and dan feng's is blade's.
aeons, his heart feels so heavy. so heavy that he does not know how he will carry it, how he will ever move from this spot again. sometimes, when an animal dies, their mate will simply waste away to nothing, in its grief and loneliness.. dan feng feels like a broken dove. ]
If you ruin it, so be it. That will be your heart's choice,
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And when the task is complete he slumps forward, head resting against Dan Feng's shoulder.
He feels... tormented. By memories. Grief. Anger. He can't sort any of it out. He may never. This whole moment may be washed away in some way... And on top of all of these sensations he also... yearns. He yearns for this person to not to go away. To not leave him here feeling like this. To do something to ease the ache. But nothing will help... he knows. Staying in each other's presence will not do him any favors. He knows this and yet...
His gloved hand, with fingers move a little better, reaches out to grip at Dan Feng's bloody sleeve. His breathing is a ragged thing. Heavy. Emotion tinges his every breath. Anger. Despair. They mingle and dance together causing unparalleled agony as he struggles with this specter from his past.]
Stay...
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jing yuan, one day, will fall to this as well. and then what will he do?
he can't think about that right now. one crisis at a time. blade needs him, grasps to him, and dan feng's breath leaves him in a soft, emotional shiver. he moves, his arms coming around blade's body, a body that feels so strong and yet so fragile, and he holds his mate close against his body. closing his stinging eyes, dan feng rests his cheek against blade's dark hair, rocking back and forth, keeping close. ]
I'm not leaving you.
[ he murmurs into blade's hair, before he begins to sing. it's an old song, a vidyadhara song that he would sing to his lovers at night, that he would use to calm yingxing's racing thoughts when he could not sleep. a soft lullaby, about a dragon and a cloud sprite playing past sunset and into the night. ]
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It's warm and comforting... not quite familiar. Not being on this side of it, that is. He remembers, faintly, holding Jing Yuan to his chest while Dan Feng sang. Or just holding Dan Feng. He was too proud to be coddled in such a way. It's fine now. He has nothing like pride left within him. He has no use for it, such as he is...]
Qīn'ài de...
[He says it again with slightly more awareness than when uttered the first time. This time drifting to sleep while before he was drifting awake. But along side it there is a brief thrum of affection. Of deep love. It comes from deep within... from the old ancient parts of Blade that are not quite lost just deeply forgotten and buried.]
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I'm here, my heart.
[ he whispers, then returns to the song as blade begins to fall slack, drifting into gentle sleep. the little touch of affection along their connection.. it soothes his bleeding heart, like a balm over the deep burns in his soul. it's still there, the flickering candle flame of their love, guttering and spitting, but clinging on nonetheless. he'll hold to that light of hope.
with one hand smoothing through blade's hair, dan feng's singing turns to soft humming. he'll remain here as long as he needs to, keeping watch, allowing his old love to rest as much as he is able, to enjoy some relief from his pain, if only for a little while. ]
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Kafka's music helps. The gentle strings be it from her own instrument or the records she plays. But this... This helps too. Though it is still a reminder of the past it wraps him up in it rather than that clinging sensation that threatens to drag him down. The bond surely helps... The gentle cradle of love and affection that slots right back against him. And the warmth of Jing Yuan... a boon that was sorely missing.
He was angry when he first felt him there. The emotions were everywhere. Angry that the bond (that he didn't even want as he is) had been invaded by another. Furious that he wasn't there for it. That Dan Feng was even alive. Was dragging Jing Yuan into this mess. His mind was a flurry but in this gentle moment when he can reflect on the shards of his life through a slightly clearer gaze he feels like there had been some discussion... Uncertain at first but then over what they thought what might be the young Cloud Knight's deathbed there was deep regret that they had not done it sooner and now might not ever get to do it at all.
That they had left their third so unbounded in the staples of their affection for so long.
Now that young Lieutenant is an old General and here they are making plans for how to manage his end. And all the time that passed in between lost and never to be returned. They only have the beginning and the miserable ending of all those cursed by the mara. It's enough to make Dan Feng come out of whatever rock he'd been hiding under to make amends. So they may do this one thing right.
Blade slowly opens his eyes... the familiar scent of sea and cloudhymn magic envelop his senses and keep him calm otherwise he'd feel on edge on a planet he doesn't quite recognize. The strange humid air and the scent of his foul blood everywhere.]
You came all the way out here to face my wrath to ask me to watch the last good thing in the universe die.
[There's no anger or resentment. No wrath or rage in his words. Just a tired dismayed resignation... He can't say for certain that he'll go. That he'll be able to. That either of them will live to see the end of Elio's script but... If he's able to he will say his goodbyes. Put him out of his misery before the mara turns him into a monster as he's not sure if Dan Feng will have it in him to do it himself. To wrap his hands around his throat and watch the life and inevitable madness drain from his eyes.
Baiheng... And Jing Yuan... It isn't right.]
Why do only the abominations and monsters return time and time again... Why must I continue to shamble on but they will be lost forever?
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I wish I could answer that.
[ he murmurs softly, exhaling slow and soft. dan feng knows that he should not be alive, that he does not deserve it, to live in a world where he persists while jing yuan falls to madness is cosmically unfair, and horribly wrong, but it is the way of it. he wishes he had an answer for blade, an answer for everything, but he can offer nothing but his empty hands.
one thing is for sure, however, and that is that he did not face blade's wrath only for jing yuan - he did it for yingxing, as well, for the good memories of his beloved, for the chance that he could perhaps offer some solace to both of his lovers, in the end. he won't say as much, at least not right now, sure that blade would sneer and scoff and tell him that his efforts were useless, fruitless; perhaps it is best that they focus on jing yuan, at least for now, to give him the warmth and love that he deserves.
it's not enough. it isn't even close to enough. but it's all that dan feng can offer.
aeons, he's tired. they're all tired. closing his eyes, he smooths a hand back through blade's hair, winding his fingers through the inky locks, his heart heavy and bleeding in his breast. all of this.. all of this was his fault. his doing. his weakness. the guilt is heavy and crushing, swallowing him up in its dark maw. if only he had been stronger in the face of his grief and fear.. it would not have brought baiheng back, but it may have spared the pain of his lovers. ]
I do not know what you know about the ongoings of the Luofu, but.. it may give you a little solace to know that we did not fail in entirety. Baiheng.. she lives on, in her way, through a new life.
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During my short stint on the Luofu I gave her a gift...
[Those trembles rock through him a little more. A sorrow ripples through the bond to both of his lovers.]
I may end up forgetting... Because of the mara. Because Kafka has to take away this moment so I am able to be calm. But the body remembers... It remembers many things even if it cannot act on them completely. [The ache to craft and forge with fingers that can no longer function as intended. That can only grip the blade, of course. But the hammer and all those old tools are too small, requiring too much detail and precision.] If you want me to remember to return to you both... Find a way to carve it into my flesh.
[It's not a bad idea though anything to do with the past has its risks. But if it is all physical it may help stir up these memories of their time together. Of their lives and happiness. It may even be something he can hold on to...]
It's the only way...
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