i want that can't sleep love

[loong]

[ truth be told, dan feng is a little bit nervous.

they've been waiting to try this for quite a long time, after all, and with the kemmering finally approaching, well.. what better opportunity could there be? his mate's heat will stimulate dan feng's own rut, they'll both be at their most fertile, there's no reason not to at least give it a chance. no reason to be pessimistic, however low the chances might be. if they don't try, the chances will always be zero.

dan feng has made everything as comfortable for them as possible. their shared sprawling penthouse is clean, dinner is prepared, and anything they could possibly need or want is laid out. he's cleared out a space in their sunken common area, and lined it with thick blankets, pillows and cushions, like a nest, so they can be close to the kitchen and bathroom if necessary, and they can enjoy the view of the city together. there's even a bottle of white wine chilling in a silver bucket on a low table, beside two glasses.

he's dressed lightly, in simple hanfu, one pale green robe with a sash, his feet bare and his hair loose, all ornaments and jewelry removed and laid aside.

when aphelios arrives home, he will find dan feng sitting comfortably in the nest in the half lotus position, eyes closed as he meditates, eyes closed, and in his lap.. are several soft, beautiful, pearlescent eggs wrapped in silk, and kept close to absorb his warmth. he breathes deeply, calming and centering himself as he waits. ]


texting

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[heartsteel]

[ the technician is definitely saying words, but aphelios isn't really hearing them. he can't stop staring at the screen, at the shapes he can make out there, two babies taking form inside him. he probably asks "are you sure?" about fifteen times, and every time the technician reassures him that she is; it's only on the sixteenth time that phel finally turns to dan feng, his eyes wide, tears leaking down his cheeks as he looks down at his husband. ]

Babe... [ he squeezes dan feng's hand back, completely at a loss for words. what words are there to encompass something like this, a miracle of this size? the likelihood of a single vidyadharan baby being properly fertilized and beginning to grow was infinitesimally tiny—the likelihood of twins is...

judging by the fascinated look on the technician's face as she excuses herself to go get the doctor, she knows how impossible this is, how miraculous. she helps to wipe the gel off of aphelios' belly, then excuses herself to go get the doctor, and as soon as she's gone phel tugs his shirt back down and immediately slips off the table so he can sit in dan feng's lap, uncomfortable hospital chair be damned. ]

Two babies... [ his breathing hitches, and he presses his face into dan feng's neck, clinging to his shoulders. ] We're having two babies...

[ and that, aphelios knows, makes it so much riskier. one baby was a marvel; two is a miracle, and it raises the stakes, makes him even more conscious of exactly how much they stand to lose if this pregnancy doesn't go to plan. ]

[loong]

[ aphelios slips into his lap, and dan feng accepts him without hesitation, his arms already open even before his husband slides into them.

it's impossible to believe, that such a thing could occur. that they could be so incredibly fortunate, to have not one, but two of the eggs quicken.. the odds are astronomically against them. dan feng's hands are trembling as he grasps at the back of aphelios' shirt, holding him as near as he can, his head dipped to press his face into his shoulder. ]

I love you.

[ he whispers softly, closing his stinging eyes, his heart pounding still against his throat. he's so incredibly grateful, his body feels tight, his chest full and warm and bursting with love. ]

Thank you.. I - [ he starts, his voice catching. ] Thank you.

[ they may have accomplished this thing together, but it was aphelios' idea to try, to never give up, and it is aphelios' body that is nurturing their growing children, that has made this absolute, incredible miracle possible.

[heartsteel]

[ it doesn't feel like something that dan feng needs to thank him for, but aphelios still cradles his face and presses their lips together softly in a series of lingering, sweet kisses. even if it is aphelios' body carrying their children, it was dan feng who gave him the eggs, dan feng's seed that fertilized them... it is hardly something either of them could have done alone. ]

I love you, [ phel eventually whispers as he rests their foreheads together. people walk by outside in the hallway, but his whole world is narrowed down to this room, the two of them clinging to each other. ] I'm... a little scared.

[ not of bearing the children—but just of the magnitude of what it all signifies. although aphelios had already been determined to be the best possible parent he can be, now it feels even more important that he do everything right. he leans his cheek against dan feng's shoulder and plays with his fingers for a second before pressing that hand to his own belly. ]

We're going to be good at this, right?

[loong]

[ a joint effort or no, all dan feng knows is that without aphelios, none of this could have happened, and for that he is endlessly, achingly grateful. he holds his husband, his lover, his heart so close, and when aphelios speaks again, dan feng hesitates, then hums softly. ]

So am I.

[ aside from what he's read, dan feng has no idea what he's doing as a parent, no idea whether or not he'll be good at it. so many years dan feng had spent with his heart closed off, he's terrified now that he couldn't possibly be a good father. yet he has aphelios by his side, who keeps him tender and warm, who gives him hope and confidence. rubbing their noses together, dan feng briefly closes his eyes. ]

We're going to love them with all of out hearts, and that is what matters.

[ he says softly, the hand pressed to aphelios' belly smoothing over that soft, warm bump, as if he can feel their children growing beneath his palm. ]

Everything else will fall into place.