i want that can't sleep love

[loong]

[ truth be told, dan feng is a little bit nervous.

they've been waiting to try this for quite a long time, after all, and with the kemmering finally approaching, well.. what better opportunity could there be? his mate's heat will stimulate dan feng's own rut, they'll both be at their most fertile, there's no reason not to at least give it a chance. no reason to be pessimistic, however low the chances might be. if they don't try, the chances will always be zero.

dan feng has made everything as comfortable for them as possible. their shared sprawling penthouse is clean, dinner is prepared, and anything they could possibly need or want is laid out. he's cleared out a space in their sunken common area, and lined it with thick blankets, pillows and cushions, like a nest, so they can be close to the kitchen and bathroom if necessary, and they can enjoy the view of the city together. there's even a bottle of white wine chilling in a silver bucket on a low table, beside two glasses.

he's dressed lightly, in simple hanfu, one pale green robe with a sash, his feet bare and his hair loose, all ornaments and jewelry removed and laid aside.

when aphelios arrives home, he will find dan feng sitting comfortably in the nest in the half lotus position, eyes closed as he meditates, eyes closed, and in his lap.. are several soft, beautiful, pearlescent eggs wrapped in silk, and kept close to absorb his warmth. he breathes deeply, calming and centering himself as he waits. ]


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[heartsteel]

[ so, that thing about the beds not having room for both of them... ]

Scoot. [ aphelios gives dan feng a moment to move over, carefully and slowly, and then he climbs up into bed right alongside him. it takes a little bit of negotiating, and a little bit of adjusting to make sure that they're not pressing up against each other's injuries, but eventually they end up like this: aphelios stretched out along dan feng's side, leaning against his own uninjured shoulder and with his belly resting against dan feng's body, one of his arms wrapped around dan feng's shoulders as aphelios leans in to press a tender, adoring kiss to his husband's forehead. he catches one of dan feng's hands and presses it gently to the curve of his stomach, where the fetal heart monitors earlier had heard two steady heartbeats, testament to their children's resilience.

it's impossible for aphelios to fully understand the depth of dan feng's pain—there's so much history there, the weight of so many grievances. to aphelios, blade was just his husband's crazy ex; to dan feng he was so much more than that, a man he used to love or at least the shell of one, a symbol of his guilt, a reminder of his sins. and to have dealt the blow that finished him... to a man as gentle as dan feng, only provoked to violence by a threat to his brood... ]

I love you so much. [ aphelios murmurs the words softly, adoringly, right against dan feng's temple. he doesn't need to worry about himself, because he knows dan feng is doing that for him; it frees aphelios up, in turn, to worry about dan feng. ] I love you with my entire heart. You don't have to explain anything, but I'm here, I'm here. We're okay. Your babies are okay, I'm okay. I've got you, you don't have to keep it inside.

[ he won't go so far as to tell dan feng he can cry, but if he wants to... if he needs to, then aphelios isn't going anywhere, and he'll hold dan feng through it for as long as it takes. ]

[loong]

[ dan feng knows full well that he should have expected this, should have known that aphelios would see right through his flimsy facade and get straight to the point. he would do the same, for aphelios, wouldn't allow him to hide away his pain, or force it into the corners of his mind, so of course he can expect the same in return.

but he's afraid. afraid to weep, afraid to let it out; what if he breaks in a way that he cannot put himself together again? it feels like weakness, though he knows that is wrong, the words and lessons of the preceptors still drill into him even all of these years later. a high elder does not week. a high elder does not form bonds with lesser beings. a high elder has responsibilities to his people, and his people alone, as long's scion and the keeper of the dragon heart, he was not allowed the same weaknesses and fallibilities that others are. breaking down.. it feels like failing.

but aphelios is so near to him, so warm and gentle, placing his hand over their babies, and dan feng feels his resolve cracking. he swallows it down again, clenching his teeth, but aphelios' words are sweet, loving, supportive, and the cracks in his resolve soon become fissures as his composure shatters.

with a sharp intake of breath, dan feng's vision blurs, thick, heavy tears spilling over his lashes, and he turns his head to bury his face in his husband's shoulder, the ache in his chest unbearable, released in a wrenching sob. anger and grief, guilt and fear, it all washes over him in an icy wave, for how close he came to losing everything he holds dear, for all he still did lose. ]

I'm sorry.

[ he says, through sharp, hiccuping breaths, clutching to his husband as tightly as he dares to, for all of their injuries. ]

I wish.. I wish you could have known him before - I wish you could have known.. all of them.

[heartsteel]

[ as dan feng finally breaks, aphelios holds him tight, his hands stroking softly over his husband's hair and down his back, soft, soothing touches accompanied by little nothing murmurs pressed into his hair. i'm here, i've got you, that's it, baby, i love you so much, let it all out, and dan feng's name, and soft kisses wherever aphelios can most easily reach without letting go for even an instant. his heart aches, and tears sting his own eyes in sympathy for his beloved's pain. aphelios loves this man desperately, would do anything for him—letting him cry on aphelios' shoulder, letting him break down so they can put the pieces back together... it seems obvious. anything for dan feng.

except, of course, letting him apologize for things he has no business apologizing for. ]

Don't be sorry. You have nothing to be sorry for. [ phel's murmur is fierce and determined, even though he follows it up by nuzzling into dan feng's hair and pressing a kiss to the top of his head. ] I know, my love. I'm so sure I would have loved them... I love them even now, just from having heard your stories.

[ anyone that dan feng loved that much, aphelios is sure that he would love too. even a past version of dan feng, one whose heart was a little more open... aphelios can still imagine that it would take someone truly special to become that important to him.

it's a terrible catch-22. without the tragedy that befell the quintet, aphelios never would have met and fallen in love with dan feng—and yet, he still wishes dan feng had never suffered the way he's suffered. so many hurts piled atop one another. it's all aphelios can do to try to relieve some of the burden. ]

[loong]

[ in many ways, he knows that aphelios can guess at what dan feng is feeling. aphelios, after all, has his own high cloud quintet in the form of heartsteel, the friends he cares for so deeply. dan feng had that once, too. jingliu and yingxing, baiheng, jing yuan - they were everything to him, once. they still are, in his heart, and knowing that it was his own foolish, prideful choice that tore them apart.. that is an ache that he will carry with him until his next rebirth. a sin he can never wipe clean. a guilt that festers without end. would that aphelios could have known them at their best.

baiheng was lost to them so long ago, and now.. now yingxing follows after her. in many ways, dan feng can't help but feel that he, too, deserves death, though living with the guilt is perhaps a more befitting punishment.

he hardly deserves his sweet aphelios. the light of his life. his anchor, and his guiding star. dan feng weeps his pain out against him, buried in his shoulder, surrounded by phel's familiar scent amidst the sterile smells of the hospital, but he cannot cry forever, and soon his wrenching sobs begin to slow, and though his grief still pulses like an open wound, he has no more tears left to shed. ]

I love you.

[ he whispers, his voice thick with emotion. dan feng's hand smooths over aphelios' belly, reminding himself of what he still has, despite it all. the fresh, sweet new lives so ready to be born. ]

[heartsteel]

[ double dog dare dan feng to ever say the words i deserve death aloud in earshot of aphelios. of course he doesn't deserve death. who can decide what punishment is enough to atone for a sin, a crime—in the eyes of whatever law had governed the luofu when dan feng was high elder, hasn't he been absolved? his years in the shackling prison, and then his exile to this planet, where he had worked so hard to make a little life for himself... for how many eternities must he flagellate himself before the debt of his sin is paid?

aphelios strokes dan feng's hair until his tears begin to abate. of course, he knows that the cessation of weeping doesn't necessarily mean an absence of grief, but these things come and go in waves. in the aftermath of his family's massacre aphelios had done the same—cried desperately, and then found himself unable to cry more, no matter how much sorrow he felt. ]

I love you.

[ he whispers it back, his lips pressed to dan feng's hair. he feels his husband's hand smooth over the shape of his belly, hopes that he takes comfort in the reminder of their love, their family, the lives they've created still growing and getting ready to meet the world. ]

Close your eyes, sweetheart. I'm going to stay here until a nurse sends me back to my own bed.

[ and who knows how long that will be! so, at least for the time being, they can stay curled up together, taking comfort in each other as much as possible. ]

[loong]

[ aphelios keeps him close, and dan feng is grateful, so grateful for the chance to lay his burdens down. though aphelios certainly never pushes him to be strong, dan feng pushes himself, stoic and stiff as he is, always quick to carry those around him, to take on more responsibility than he perhaps should, all of his own choice.

normally, it's perfectly fine, he has no problem maintaining his usual cool exterior, but right now he simply does not have the strength. not only does aphelios not care that his facade is broken, he is willing to be strong when dan feng cannot be, willing to hold him up when he feels as if he may fall apart. that, he supposes, is what love is - supporting one another, holding one another up until the storms pass.

aphelios bids him close his eyes, and so he does, exhaling softly, his weight leaning into his husband, soaking in his warmth and scent.

he says nothing, does not need to say anything, it has all been said, and the rest can be spoken in silence, with the lean of his body into phel's, and their hands on one another, warmth passing between them. dan feng does not know how long he will grieve, these sorts of things take time, and while weeping his feelings out had helped to relieve the pressure, the ache is still there, pulsing in his heart, squeezing his guts with an icy fist.

but aphelios will be with him, he's safe, their children are safe, and that is all that matters. ]