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i want that can't sleep love
[ truth be told, dan feng is a little bit nervous.
they've been waiting to try this for quite a long time, after all, and with the kemmering finally approaching, well.. what better opportunity could there be? his mate's heat will stimulate dan feng's own rut, they'll both be at their most fertile, there's no reason not to at least give it a chance. no reason to be pessimistic, however low the chances might be. if they don't try, the chances will always be zero.
dan feng has made everything as comfortable for them as possible. their shared sprawling penthouse is clean, dinner is prepared, and anything they could possibly need or want is laid out. he's cleared out a space in their sunken common area, and lined it with thick blankets, pillows and cushions, like a nest, so they can be close to the kitchen and bathroom if necessary, and they can enjoy the view of the city together. there's even a bottle of white wine chilling in a silver bucket on a low table, beside two glasses.
he's dressed lightly, in simple hanfu, one pale green robe with a sash, his feet bare and his hair loose, all ornaments and jewelry removed and laid aside.
when aphelios arrives home, he will find dan feng sitting comfortably in the nest in the half lotus position, eyes closed as he meditates, eyes closed, and in his lap.. are several soft, beautiful, pearlescent eggs wrapped in silk, and kept close to absorb his warmth. he breathes deeply, calming and centering himself as he waits. ]
texting
they've been waiting to try this for quite a long time, after all, and with the kemmering finally approaching, well.. what better opportunity could there be? his mate's heat will stimulate dan feng's own rut, they'll both be at their most fertile, there's no reason not to at least give it a chance. no reason to be pessimistic, however low the chances might be. if they don't try, the chances will always be zero.
dan feng has made everything as comfortable for them as possible. their shared sprawling penthouse is clean, dinner is prepared, and anything they could possibly need or want is laid out. he's cleared out a space in their sunken common area, and lined it with thick blankets, pillows and cushions, like a nest, so they can be close to the kitchen and bathroom if necessary, and they can enjoy the view of the city together. there's even a bottle of white wine chilling in a silver bucket on a low table, beside two glasses.
he's dressed lightly, in simple hanfu, one pale green robe with a sash, his feet bare and his hair loose, all ornaments and jewelry removed and laid aside.
when aphelios arrives home, he will find dan feng sitting comfortably in the nest in the half lotus position, eyes closed as he meditates, eyes closed, and in his lap.. are several soft, beautiful, pearlescent eggs wrapped in silk, and kept close to absorb his warmth. he breathes deeply, calming and centering himself as he waits. ]
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Promise you'd still love me if I was? [ because one thing aphelios can guarantee is that he's gonna get a lot bigger than this before their baby makes its way into the world. (little does he know, heh.) he's only teasing, though, and he leans in to press a kiss to dan feng's mouth before he pulls away again. the shirt, regrettably, does need to be changed for something a little looser and more comfortable (and easier to pull up for the sonogram), but once that's done, all that's left is to check his keys and phone and wallet and then get on the road to the obgyn.
it's only when they're finally parked and exiting the car that aphelios gives in to his temptation and laces his fingers with dan feng's. he'd resisted through the entire drive, knowing that he should give his husband both hands to steer with, but since there's nothing else between them and the doctor's office, phel thinks he can cut himself a break.
in the elevator on the way up, phel leans against the wall and rests his head on dan feng's shoulder and says, ] I know we're gonna love this baby no matter what, but have you thought at all about if you want a boy or a girl or neither or both or whatever?
[ the gender situation between them is indeed quite fucky, but among aphelios' less... fluid friends, it's a topic that's come up once or twice. ]
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dan feng finishes dressing, then pulls his long hair back into a loose braid down his back, and they're off. the drive is uneventful, but by the time they're stepping out of the car again he's feeling nervous again, a light fluttery feeling in his stomach. their hands link, phel draws close, and dan feng feels calmed all but immediately. at that question, however, he tilts his head thoughtfully. ]
I'm not sure that I have a preference.
[ vidyadhara can reincarnate into any sex, after all, so dan feng has never been particularly attached to his gender, or had strong feelings when it comes to gender norms, as well. he squeezes aphelios' hand. ]
How about you?
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I haven't really thought about it. [ aphelios laughs, swinging their joined hands between them. ] As long as they're healthy, I feel like... the rest kind of doesn't matter. You know?
[ the elevator dings and the doors slide open, depositing them into the hallway outside the doctor's office. a little jolt of anticipation goes through aphelios, and he shivers exaggeratedly, squeezing dan feng's hand as he moves to pull the door open. ]
...Should we even ask them to tell us? [ is the follow-up question, once they've checked in and taken their seats in the waiting area. phel rubs absently at his belly, but he's looking over at dan feng, his gaze bright and inquisitive. ] Or should we ask them to do that—you know, put it in a sealed envelope so it's a secret even from us... thing?
[ as far as phel is concerned, long as they come out of here having heard a heartbeat, he's content—the sex is much, much less interesting to him than the health of their baby. ]
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I don't think there's any harm in knowing, but.. if you'd prefer, we can get it in a sealed envelope.
[ he pulls aphelios' hand into his lap, giving it a little squeeze, and covering it with his opposite hand. watching him rub at his belly.. it's so cute, and dan feng can't help his smile. it feels like he's smiling so very much these days, that he's just so damned happy that he can hardly contain it. he should be more cautious, more guarded, but.. it's all right to be happy, isn't it? ]
I suppose that if I knew, and you did not, you wouldn't be able to stand it, would you?
[ their names are soon called, and dan feng glances up. ]
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I would hate it, [ aphelios says with a grin as they stand. ] I'd tell you not to tell me and then immediately start bugging you to tell me.
[ and dan feng probably would tell him, because he's a simp and gives aphelios everything he wants, but then phel would be disappointed in himself for asking, so he would make dan feng not tell him, but then he would keep being annoying about telling him... etcetera, etcetera. ]
...Let's just find out, [ he finally says, laughing and shaking his head as if to clear away the circles he's thought himself into. ] Even if it won't change anything, I'm too curious not to know.
[ and with that decision made, aphelios hops up on the ultrasound table and leans back against it to wait for the technician to come in. when she does, it's with a cheerful greeting and an efficient manner, and before long aphelios has his shirt pulled up to his chest and is watching as the ultrasound wand spreads gel over his stomach. one hand keeps the fabric of his shirt up and out of the way; the other, he reaches out blindly for dan feng's as images start to appear on the screen. ]
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All right. We'll find out.
[ they'll love their child regardless, after all, whatever its gender turns out to be will be irrelevant in the end. all that matters is that it's healthy and happy.
their hands release as aphelios hips up onto the table, and dan feng approaches, greeting the technician politely, watching her hands as she works, until at last the images begin to flash. truth be told, dan feng doesn't quite know what he's seeing, but he looks nonetheless, knowing that those strange, black and white pictures are their child, and that is more than enough.
the flutter of a little heartbeat, however - that much he can see and hear, and the sound of it brings immediate tears to his eyes. dan feng is able to hold them back with a sharp breath and a few rounds of rapid blinking.. at least until a second little fluttery beat is found, and shock overcomes him. ]
Two?
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he looks away from the screen to smile over at dan feng, his own eyes feeling a little wet, which in turn means that he gets a clear view of dan feng's expression as shock comes over it. ]
—What?
[ his head whips back around so fast it gives him a crick in his neck, but even as phel is lifting a hand to rub at the sore place, his eyes are wide and fixed on the ultrasound screen above them. indeed, there are the flutters of two heartbeats coming over the speakers; indeed, he can see two little round shapes, presumably heads, nestled almost side-by-side inside his womb.
for a second, aphelios feels dizzy—surely he's imagining this? ]
Is that—is that real? I'm having twins?
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two little fluttering heartbeats. two vaguely baby-shaped blobs, side by side.
given their abject shock, the technician soon smiles and nods, explaining that yes, there are indeed two of them, healthy growing babies lying side by side together, it's nearly impossible to believe, and it's clear that even the technician herself is surprised as well, though she naturally remains professionally composed. who could have expected that a vidyadharan pregnancy would take in the first place - nevermind twins. ]
Aphelios.. I -
[ he says softly, his breath leaving him in a rush, and then his hand around his husband's tightens, squeezing, while hot tears stream down his face. he can't look away from the screen, can hardly believe what he is seeing and hearing. ]
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Babe... [ he squeezes dan feng's hand back, completely at a loss for words. what words are there to encompass something like this, a miracle of this size? the likelihood of a single vidyadharan baby being properly fertilized and beginning to grow was infinitesimally tiny—the likelihood of twins is...
judging by the fascinated look on the technician's face as she excuses herself to go get the doctor, she knows how impossible this is, how miraculous. she helps to wipe the gel off of aphelios' belly, then excuses herself to go get the doctor, and as soon as she's gone phel tugs his shirt back down and immediately slips off the table so he can sit in dan feng's lap, uncomfortable hospital chair be damned. ]
Two babies... [ his breathing hitches, and he presses his face into dan feng's neck, clinging to his shoulders. ] We're having two babies...
[ and that, aphelios knows, makes it so much riskier. one baby was a marvel; two is a miracle, and it raises the stakes, makes him even more conscious of exactly how much they stand to lose if this pregnancy doesn't go to plan. ]
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it's impossible to believe, that such a thing could occur. that they could be so incredibly fortunate, to have not one, but two of the eggs quicken.. the odds are astronomically against them. dan feng's hands are trembling as he grasps at the back of aphelios' shirt, holding him as near as he can, his head dipped to press his face into his shoulder. ]
I love you.
[ he whispers softly, closing his stinging eyes, his heart pounding still against his throat. he's so incredibly grateful, his body feels tight, his chest full and warm and bursting with love. ]
Thank you.. I - [ he starts, his voice catching. ] Thank you.
[ they may have accomplished this thing together, but it was aphelios' idea to try, to never give up, and it is aphelios' body that is nurturing their growing children, that has made this absolute, incredible miracle possible.
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I love you, [ phel eventually whispers as he rests their foreheads together. people walk by outside in the hallway, but his whole world is narrowed down to this room, the two of them clinging to each other. ] I'm... a little scared.
[ not of bearing the children—but just of the magnitude of what it all signifies. although aphelios had already been determined to be the best possible parent he can be, now it feels even more important that he do everything right. he leans his cheek against dan feng's shoulder and plays with his fingers for a second before pressing that hand to his own belly. ]
We're going to be good at this, right?
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So am I.
[ aside from what he's read, dan feng has no idea what he's doing as a parent, no idea whether or not he'll be good at it. so many years dan feng had spent with his heart closed off, he's terrified now that he couldn't possibly be a good father. yet he has aphelios by his side, who keeps him tender and warm, who gives him hope and confidence. rubbing their noses together, dan feng briefly closes his eyes. ]
We're going to love them with all of out hearts, and that is what matters.
[ he says softly, the hand pressed to aphelios' belly smoothing over that soft, warm bump, as if he can feel their children growing beneath his palm. ]
Everything else will fall into place.