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i want that can't sleep love
[ truth be told, dan feng is a little bit nervous.
they've been waiting to try this for quite a long time, after all, and with the kemmering finally approaching, well.. what better opportunity could there be? his mate's heat will stimulate dan feng's own rut, they'll both be at their most fertile, there's no reason not to at least give it a chance. no reason to be pessimistic, however low the chances might be. if they don't try, the chances will always be zero.
dan feng has made everything as comfortable for them as possible. their shared sprawling penthouse is clean, dinner is prepared, and anything they could possibly need or want is laid out. he's cleared out a space in their sunken common area, and lined it with thick blankets, pillows and cushions, like a nest, so they can be close to the kitchen and bathroom if necessary, and they can enjoy the view of the city together. there's even a bottle of white wine chilling in a silver bucket on a low table, beside two glasses.
he's dressed lightly, in simple hanfu, one pale green robe with a sash, his feet bare and his hair loose, all ornaments and jewelry removed and laid aside.
when aphelios arrives home, he will find dan feng sitting comfortably in the nest in the half lotus position, eyes closed as he meditates, eyes closed, and in his lap.. are several soft, beautiful, pearlescent eggs wrapped in silk, and kept close to absorb his warmth. he breathes deeply, calming and centering himself as he waits. ]
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they've been waiting to try this for quite a long time, after all, and with the kemmering finally approaching, well.. what better opportunity could there be? his mate's heat will stimulate dan feng's own rut, they'll both be at their most fertile, there's no reason not to at least give it a chance. no reason to be pessimistic, however low the chances might be. if they don't try, the chances will always be zero.
dan feng has made everything as comfortable for them as possible. their shared sprawling penthouse is clean, dinner is prepared, and anything they could possibly need or want is laid out. he's cleared out a space in their sunken common area, and lined it with thick blankets, pillows and cushions, like a nest, so they can be close to the kitchen and bathroom if necessary, and they can enjoy the view of the city together. there's even a bottle of white wine chilling in a silver bucket on a low table, beside two glasses.
he's dressed lightly, in simple hanfu, one pale green robe with a sash, his feet bare and his hair loose, all ornaments and jewelry removed and laid aside.
when aphelios arrives home, he will find dan feng sitting comfortably in the nest in the half lotus position, eyes closed as he meditates, eyes closed, and in his lap.. are several soft, beautiful, pearlescent eggs wrapped in silk, and kept close to absorb his warmth. he breathes deeply, calming and centering himself as he waits. ]
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You'll come with me, right? [ the idea of being apart from dan feng right now is excruciating—almost enough to make aphelios panic just thinking about it. ] Don't—don't leave me. Please.
[ it's selfish, he knows, but he's scared, and he can tell dan feng is scared, and aphelios doesn't want to even so much as let go of his husband if he has any other choice.
and, shortly thereafter, he doesn't. the police arrive, along with ems, and aphelios is forced to give up clutching dan feng in favor of letting himself be brought to his feet and then to the ambulance to be briefly examined. because of his pregnancy, the medic explains, he will need to go to the hospital for a more thorough checkup. it's not that aphelios disagrees—in fact, he agrees wholeheartedly—but it is at this point that, on the verge of a tantrum-slash-panic-attack, he tells them in no uncertain terms that he will not be going fucking anywhere if dan feng doesn't come with him.
the police will need more from them, aphelios is sure. interviews, statements, corroborating witnesses. aphelios frankly cannot bring himself to care about anything other than getting dan feng in this ambulance with him to come to the hospital, where they can both be treated, where aphelios can let go of a little of his raw terror that dan feng has somehow been mortally wounded in a place aphelios can't see. ]
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so he's sure to stay as near to his husband as he can, to stay with ear and eyeshot of him once he is pulled aside for questioning, though the emts are quick to intervene. dan feng is very clearly injured, after all - the police can save their questioning for when he's been treated. not to mention, aphelios is nearly panic stricken; dan feng needs to be with him, for the sake of his health, and that of the unborn babies, so the police soon peel off and allow him to be led to the ambulance where aphelios awaits. ]
I'm here. [ he whispers softly, touching their brows together. ] I'm here. It's all right.
[ and he won't allow them to be separated. the police can question them together for the time being.
as he is helped up into the ambulance, dan feng can't help but look back just in time to see the body bag zipped over blade's pale, unnervingly still face, and his heart twists painfully in his chest. the man that he was died a long, long time ago, yet still, knowing that he's gone for good, that it was by his own hand - this is something that is going to take time for dan feng to work through.
later. another time. for now, he sits beside phel's stretcher as they're both ferried off to the hospital, holding one of his husband's trembling hands between both of his own. there's so much to talk about, to talk through, but for now dan feng is quiet, his nose pressed into aphelios' hair, until at last they arrive at the hospital. ]
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and then it's vitals, and tests, and eventually a move to a quiet and much more private room for overnight observation. in aphelios' case, it's mostly on account of the babies, to make sure that everything is all right—in dan feng's case, it's because his injuries are more severe. not in need of surgery, apparently (and what a relief that is), but serious enough to warrant some extra sets of eyes on him for at least a night while he rests and regains his strength.
it feels like it takes a century, and also like it happens in a whirlwind. aphelios is so exhausted he barely processes the shift from emergency room to hospital room, but eventually the last of the nurses pulls the door closed behind her, and almost immediately aphelios pulls back the covers on his own hospital bed so he can swing his legs over the side. climbing to his feet is a slower process, but the bed is tall enough that it doesn't take too much effort to stand, and then he immediately makes his way over to dan feng in the bed next to his own. ]
A-Feng... [ aphelios' voice is soft, and he reaches for dan feng's hand, holding it close between both of his own as he takes a seat on the edge of the mattress. ] How are you feeling?
[ despite all the checking-up that's been done on the both of them over the past couple of hours, there hasn't been much of an opportunity to check up on each other. aphelios reaches up to cup his husband's face and brush his thumb softly over his cheek—there's not nearly enough room in one of these beds for the both of them, but still, he presses as close as he can manage. ]
Does it hurt a lot? Be honest.
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but he can't deny that having his husband close is reassuring, even if.. even if he feels that he does not deserve it. aphelios reaches for his hand, and dan feng holds it gently, his cool fingers squeezing. ]
It's nothing I can't handle.
[ he's certainly endured much worse, in the shackling prison. yingxing's sword cut deep, all over his body, and many of these lacerations had required sutures. would that he had the strength to, he would heal himself and aphelios both, but becoming the dragon had taken everything he has; it will be weeks before dan feng has rested enough to replenish his reserves.
nevertheless, what aphelios asks of him.. makes his heart ache, for while his body might sting and burn, his heart and soul fare far worse. he can still remember the way his claws sank through blade's flesh, can distinctly recall how it felt to feel his ribcage crack beneath his scaled palm. in the end, the forgemaster was no match for a high elder, and he wonders if blade knew that all along, if he'd wanted this end, by his old lover's hand. now that the room is quiet and it's just the two of them, the reality of all that has transpired is beginning to settle heavily onto his shoulders.
blade's death. dan feng's ancient guilt. and gods, aphelios - the man dearest to his heart, carrying his children, could have been killed today. it's overwhelming, and dan feng feels his throat tighten up, tears pricking the corners of his eyes that he blinks back rapidly. yet his instinct is to ice over, to swallow it down and force it back; the dragon is a cold creature without worldly attachments, after all. yet still - ]
I'll be all right, love. [ he says, softly, wearily. ] Please.. please just worry about yourself.
[ squeezing aphelios' hand, dan feng leans in to press their brows together. ]
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Scoot. [ aphelios gives dan feng a moment to move over, carefully and slowly, and then he climbs up into bed right alongside him. it takes a little bit of negotiating, and a little bit of adjusting to make sure that they're not pressing up against each other's injuries, but eventually they end up like this: aphelios stretched out along dan feng's side, leaning against his own uninjured shoulder and with his belly resting against dan feng's body, one of his arms wrapped around dan feng's shoulders as aphelios leans in to press a tender, adoring kiss to his husband's forehead. he catches one of dan feng's hands and presses it gently to the curve of his stomach, where the fetal heart monitors earlier had heard two steady heartbeats, testament to their children's resilience.
it's impossible for aphelios to fully understand the depth of dan feng's pain—there's so much history there, the weight of so many grievances. to aphelios, blade was just his husband's crazy ex; to dan feng he was so much more than that, a man he used to love or at least the shell of one, a symbol of his guilt, a reminder of his sins. and to have dealt the blow that finished him... to a man as gentle as dan feng, only provoked to violence by a threat to his brood... ]
I love you so much. [ aphelios murmurs the words softly, adoringly, right against dan feng's temple. he doesn't need to worry about himself, because he knows dan feng is doing that for him; it frees aphelios up, in turn, to worry about dan feng. ] I love you with my entire heart. You don't have to explain anything, but I'm here, I'm here. We're okay. Your babies are okay, I'm okay. I've got you, you don't have to keep it inside.
[ he won't go so far as to tell dan feng he can cry, but if he wants to... if he needs to, then aphelios isn't going anywhere, and he'll hold dan feng through it for as long as it takes. ]
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but he's afraid. afraid to weep, afraid to let it out; what if he breaks in a way that he cannot put himself together again? it feels like weakness, though he knows that is wrong, the words and lessons of the preceptors still drill into him even all of these years later. a high elder does not week. a high elder does not form bonds with lesser beings. a high elder has responsibilities to his people, and his people alone, as long's scion and the keeper of the dragon heart, he was not allowed the same weaknesses and fallibilities that others are. breaking down.. it feels like failing.
but aphelios is so near to him, so warm and gentle, placing his hand over their babies, and dan feng feels his resolve cracking. he swallows it down again, clenching his teeth, but aphelios' words are sweet, loving, supportive, and the cracks in his resolve soon become fissures as his composure shatters.
with a sharp intake of breath, dan feng's vision blurs, thick, heavy tears spilling over his lashes, and he turns his head to bury his face in his husband's shoulder, the ache in his chest unbearable, released in a wrenching sob. anger and grief, guilt and fear, it all washes over him in an icy wave, for how close he came to losing everything he holds dear, for all he still did lose. ]
I'm sorry.
[ he says, through sharp, hiccuping breaths, clutching to his husband as tightly as he dares to, for all of their injuries. ]
I wish.. I wish you could have known him before - I wish you could have known.. all of them.
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except, of course, letting him apologize for things he has no business apologizing for. ]
Don't be sorry. You have nothing to be sorry for. [ phel's murmur is fierce and determined, even though he follows it up by nuzzling into dan feng's hair and pressing a kiss to the top of his head. ] I know, my love. I'm so sure I would have loved them... I love them even now, just from having heard your stories.
[ anyone that dan feng loved that much, aphelios is sure that he would love too. even a past version of dan feng, one whose heart was a little more open... aphelios can still imagine that it would take someone truly special to become that important to him.
it's a terrible catch-22. without the tragedy that befell the quintet, aphelios never would have met and fallen in love with dan feng—and yet, he still wishes dan feng had never suffered the way he's suffered. so many hurts piled atop one another. it's all aphelios can do to try to relieve some of the burden. ]
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baiheng was lost to them so long ago, and now.. now yingxing follows after her. in many ways, dan feng can't help but feel that he, too, deserves death, though living with the guilt is perhaps a more befitting punishment.
he hardly deserves his sweet aphelios. the light of his life. his anchor, and his guiding star. dan feng weeps his pain out against him, buried in his shoulder, surrounded by phel's familiar scent amidst the sterile smells of the hospital, but he cannot cry forever, and soon his wrenching sobs begin to slow, and though his grief still pulses like an open wound, he has no more tears left to shed. ]
I love you.
[ he whispers, his voice thick with emotion. dan feng's hand smooths over aphelios' belly, reminding himself of what he still has, despite it all. the fresh, sweet new lives so ready to be born. ]
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aphelios strokes dan feng's hair until his tears begin to abate. of course, he knows that the cessation of weeping doesn't necessarily mean an absence of grief, but these things come and go in waves. in the aftermath of his family's massacre aphelios had done the same—cried desperately, and then found himself unable to cry more, no matter how much sorrow he felt. ]
I love you.
[ he whispers it back, his lips pressed to dan feng's hair. he feels his husband's hand smooth over the shape of his belly, hopes that he takes comfort in the reminder of their love, their family, the lives they've created still growing and getting ready to meet the world. ]
Close your eyes, sweetheart. I'm going to stay here until a nurse sends me back to my own bed.
[ and who knows how long that will be! so, at least for the time being, they can stay curled up together, taking comfort in each other as much as possible. ]
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normally, it's perfectly fine, he has no problem maintaining his usual cool exterior, but right now he simply does not have the strength. not only does aphelios not care that his facade is broken, he is willing to be strong when dan feng cannot be, willing to hold him up when he feels as if he may fall apart. that, he supposes, is what love is - supporting one another, holding one another up until the storms pass.
aphelios bids him close his eyes, and so he does, exhaling softly, his weight leaning into his husband, soaking in his warmth and scent.
he says nothing, does not need to say anything, it has all been said, and the rest can be spoken in silence, with the lean of his body into phel's, and their hands on one another, warmth passing between them. dan feng does not know how long he will grieve, these sorts of things take time, and while weeping his feelings out had helped to relieve the pressure, the ache is still there, pulsing in his heart, squeezing his guts with an icy fist.
but aphelios will be with him, he's safe, their children are safe, and that is all that matters. ]