loong | i want that can't sleep love

i want that can't sleep love

[ truth be told, dan feng is a little bit nervous.

they've been waiting to try this for quite a long time, after all, and with the kemmering finally approaching, well.. what better opportunity could there be? his mate's heat will stimulate dan feng's own rut, they'll both be at their most fertile, there's no reason not to at least give it a chance. no reason to be pessimistic, however low the chances might be. if they don't try, the chances will always be zero.

dan feng has made everything as comfortable for them as possible. their shared sprawling penthouse is clean, dinner is prepared, and anything they could possibly need or want is laid out. he's cleared out a space in their sunken common area, and lined it with thick blankets, pillows and cushions, like a nest, so they can be close to the kitchen and bathroom if necessary, and they can enjoy the view of the city together. there's even a bottle of white wine chilling in a silver bucket on a low table, beside two glasses.

he's dressed lightly, in simple hanfu, one pale green robe with a sash, his feet bare and his hair loose, all ornaments and jewelry removed and laid aside.

when aphelios arrives home, he will find dan feng sitting comfortably in the nest in the half lotus position, eyes closed as he meditates, eyes closed, and in his lap.. are several soft, beautiful, pearlescent eggs wrapped in silk, and kept close to absorb his warmth. he breathes deeply, calming and centering himself as he waits. ]

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[ dan feng has done his very best not to dwell on the possibility of their pregnancy.

which means, naturally, that he is thinking about it nearly every moment of every day. he tries, at least, not to continuously ask after aphelios' health, knowing full well how annoying it will get after a certain point of fussing, but he still goes out of his way to spoil him nonetheless, and to treat him gently. the swelling in his stomach has only slightly receded, which seems like a good sign, but.. they're in fresh new territory here. who knows how long it could take for the eggs to reabsorb if they don't take? there are very few vidyadhara on this world, and he's willing to bet that most of them haven't attempted to breed.

nevertheless, life goes on, and they wait. all they really can do is wait. it's excruciating, but necessary, and each day crawls into the next.

at the moment, dan feng is in his study gently plucking his guqin, the sound of its music drifting through the whole of the penthouse. he's taken to playing more often lately, it calms him even when his meditation cannot, the sound of it and the movement of his hands soothing as he plays. it's a lovely song, the sound of the strings pleasing on the ears, and his body sways along with the gentle waves of the music.

even when he hears his husband come home, dan feng continues to play, knowing full well that aphelios wouldn't want him to interrupt the music on his behalf. only when he hears rapidly approaching footsteps does dan feng open his eyes again, and lift his head. ]

Aphelios?

[ five thousand years pass, and finally the timer on aphelios' phone goes off.

he can't look immediately, and so for another minute it's schroedinger's pregnancy. if it's negative, he'll cry; if it's positive he'll also cry, but for different reasons, and the fear of wanting desperately for it to say yes only to see it say no keeps him paralyzed on the edge of the tub for a long while until he finally forces himself to move. to stand up, to reach for the test, to lift it up and then finally to lay his eyes on—

two pink lines, parallel to each other, standing out bold as anything.

from the music that greeted him when he came home from the pharmacy, aphelios knows that dan feng is in his study, and so it's to dan feng's study that aphelios makes a beeline now. normally, phel wouldn't interrupt—he loves dan feng's music, and loves how meditative an exercise it is for him—but somehow he thinks dan feng will forgive him this once.

he pushes the study door open, test still clutched in his hand, manages a choked, ] A-Feng— [ and then flings himself directly into dan feng's chest, where he bursts into sobs.

of course, almost immediately aphelios is aware that he's probably scaring the hell out of his husband. the words won't come for the tears, though, so all he can do is hold the test up, clutching it so that dan feng can see the markers for positive, clear as anything. he presses it into dan feng's hand—then immediately snatches it back, and finally manages to say through his sniffling, mostly coherent but feeling very much overwhelmed, ] Don't touch that, I peed on it...

[ the moment the door is slammed open, dan feng is on his feet, sharp worry knifing down his gut. ]

What is it?

[ aphelios all but throws himself into dan feng's arms, sobbing, and dan feng's breath leaves him in a shudder, returning with a gasp, both arms immediately protectively coiling around him, terror in his gut, followed by swelling disappointment. there's only one thing that could have his husband so upset, given everything they've been trying for -

but when aphelios finally lifts the test, pushing it into his palm before immediately snatching it back, dan feng looks bewildered. worried. confused. and then at last it dawns on him, and shock prickles like cold water trickling down his body, he doesn't even have the chance to tell his husband that he touches and kisses where he pees all the time, he's far too stunned into silence. dan feng's mouth works silently as he tries to search for the right words, but instead he says simply: ]

You're pregnant?

[ phel's own fault for not clarifying that they're happy tears beforehand, but in his defense, the feelings are so big. all he can do is nod quickly, reaching up to wipe his face with his free hand before a grin spreads across his face, pushing even more hot tears from his eyes. ]

I'm pregnant, [ he says, then wraps his arms around dan feng's shoulders and clings to him, pressing wet kisses all over his cheek and neck and ear. ] I'm pregnant, baby, look at that pink line—

[ the test again, with its dark pink lines making sure they can't possibly mistake it. even if it's only one of the eggs that took—and phel is sure it must be, considering the chances—that's still a baby, their baby, new life growing inside him. the first vidyadhara born in however many decades, or centuries even.

aphelios leans heavily against dan feng, finally wiping his face again in an effort to get his tears under control. it's just—he had been so prepared for disappointment. he had been so ready to have to try again and again before they got an egg to take, if they ever did at all. the relief of being wrong is... astonishing. breathtaking. ]

[ the shock of it shakes him to the core.

at first, dan feng can neither do nor say anything at all, can only stare with wide eyes at the test. surely it can't be right. surely.. surely it did not take on the first try - but there's no mistaking those lines, and their meaning. there's no mistaking the joyful tears on his husband's face, the way he's smiling like the sun itself. dan feng hardly realizes that tears have risen to his own eyes, until he can no longer see through them. aeons.. when was the last time he wept? he can't remember. likely when they were married.

but now, now hot tears are spilling over, streaking down his cheeks, and dan feng feels his chest constrict so tightly that it's painful. it hits him, hits him hard, and all at once he remembers to breathe, his long arms coiling around aphelios, crushing their bodies together in a tight hug. he's pregnant. it worked. it worked, somehow, against all odds.. ]

My love.. [ he whispers. ] My heart..

[ for so very long, this is all that he has ever wanted - to break the cycle of reincarnation, to learn how to integrate vidyadhara blood with other races, and in spite of the nearly zero chances, they have made it work. their diligence has paid off. a chokes sound catches in his throat, and dan feng gasps in a rattling inhale, one hand dragging down aphelios' body to touch his abdomen, palm pressing over his womb. ]

[ aphelios laughs, bright and delighted, and wraps his arms tight around dan feng's shoulders and his husband crushes them together. gods, but he loves this man with every fiber of his entire being—he would have tried as many times as it took, but for dan feng's sake he's glad that against all odds, it worked the first time.

of course, it's not over yet. it won't be over until aphelios gives birth to a healthy, happy child—and there are so many things that could go wrong between now and then. but those are possibilities for which they can prepare later. right now is a moment for celebration.

phel reaches down to cover dan feng's hand, holding it firmly against his womb, where despite everything, life has taken hold. ]

That's your baby in there, [ he whispers, rubbing his nose sweetly against dan feng's. his other hand lifts to brush fingertips over dan feng's cheeks, through the track of the tears staining his gorgeous face. aphelios remembers the last time he saw dan feng cry—at their wedding—and feels his heart ache in wonderful sympathy, understanding how deeply this must move dan feng to see him weep this way. ] We're going to have a baby, sweetheart.

[ dan feng finds that his heart is pounding, slamming into his ribs like a fist, and he almost feels dizzy with excitement and pure, unadulterated glee. surely he has not felt this at peace for a long, long time. he knows full well that they have an entire pregnancy and birth to get through, but.. but this is still further than he ever hoped to go, ever thought he would get.

and he has aphelios to thank for that, aphelios who always gave him hope, who urged and convinced him to at least give it a try, rather than giving up at the starting line. his love for his husband swells in his breast, warm and spreading through his body. aphelios had so easily scaled the icy walls surrounding his heart, and dan feng is more appreciative of his husband's stubborn willpower than he could ever give voice to. his voice trembles when he speaks, soft around a rushed exhale. ]

We're.. we're going to have a baby. [ he echoes softly, the shock on his expression finally giving way to a warm smile, and a soft, bubbling laugh despite their shared tears. his hand over aphelios' womb rubs in warm, gentle circles as he tips their brows together. ] I can hardly believe it..

[ it still feels like a dream. like this isn't real. ]

Anything you need, you tell me, immediately.

[ time for him to be overbearing for the next nine months.. ]

That's right. [ aphelios cups dan feng's face and kisses him, once, twice, a third time for good measure. his chest feels full of light, of total adoration, and he can't stop himself from sniffling again as he feels dan feng caress his lower belly. to be granted a gift he had prayed for so wholeheartedly is an incomparable feeling. ] Before long you'll have a little dragon underfoot while you're trying to play your guqin.

[ he smiles again, pulling back slightly from their embrace so he can look properly at dan feng. the love of his life, his husband, the center of his universe—and, his brain supplies, the father of his child. the thought is enough to make aphelios tear up all over again, although fortunately this time he avoids letting them fall. ]

I'll tell you everything. [ this aphelios can promise easily. except for maybe the most tmi of details, he doesn't plan to hold a single thing back from dan feng—couldn't even imagine denying him the opportunity to dote on his mate while his young incubate. with a grin, phel adds, ] Are you going to go out at 2 in the morning when I suddenly get a craving... for...

[ ...ooooooh. his eyes widen in realization, and then aphelios laughs aloud. ]

No wonder I can't stop thinking about steamed bamboo shoots... Oh, no, baby, it's already starting. [ there's not a single iota of real complaint in his voice, though. phel would endure countless nights of random food cravings if that's what it takes. ] We're going to have to tell Alune, if she hasn't already seen it. Do you want to come to the temple with me in a couple days?

[ they kiss, and dan feng hums into each and every one, murmuring soft, sweet, gentle words, and once aphelios pulls back, dan feng finally wipes the remaining tears from his face with one knuckle, taking a deep breath. for a long, long time he had been encouraged to cloister his emotions, and in some ways that behavior still comes out, when he can't seem to allow himself to feel anything too strongly for any amount of time. old habit.

he cannot bring himself to stop touching phel's belly, at least not yet, so it's only one hand that lifts to cup his husband's face, thumb smoothing over his cheek, over skin still dewy with moisture. ]

Of course, I'll get you anything you need, at any time.

[ even if it means going out at 2am in order to find some obscure mixture of food items. or overstocking their cabinets in the kitchen with just about anything that aphelios could desire. he will want for absolutely nothing while this pregnancy goes on - though truly, he already wants for little enough, even without his belly full of eggs. still. also, he wants to know even the tmi details don't you go hiding anything, aphelios!! as for the temple, however, he nods, eyes bright. ]

And yes, I'd love to. I'm sure she'll be thrilled. We'll also need to begin making appointments..

[ aphelios is already beginning to get the feeling that dan feng is going to have at least one hand on his belly for the next nine months, which is just fine with him, especially if he's also willing to be in charge of craving runs and making sure phel remembers to take his vitamins. ]

I love you. [ phel sighs, happy and content and gazing warmly at his husband. he's already spoiled beyond belief and he knows it—dan feng has never let him go without anything his heart desires—but bringing pregnancy into the mix surely means that dan feng will only want to do more.

to that end, aphelios presses his palms to dan feng's cheeks to hold his gaze firmly. ] I know you're going to want to—spoil me rotten and make sure I don't have to exert myself. But I promise you, I'm going to be so good at this, okay?

[ heaven knows aphelios doesn't at all mind the way dan feng cares for him, but to the extent that he can assuage any of his husband's anxiety about this pregnancy, he wants to do so. after all, aphelios understands the stakes here—he knows how important it is that this child be healthy. if dan feng is going to take care of him, phel at least wants it to be because he wants to and not because he feels that aphelios won't take care of himself otherwise. ]

I'm gonna go to every appointment and take every vitamin. I'll tell you everything I feel or want or need. I won't overexert myself, I'll follow all our doctors' suggestions... everything. Okay? I promise.

[ with an adoring smile, phel leans in and drops a playful, smacking kiss right against dan feng's mouth. ]

I'll look at my calendar for a good time. Do you wanna make the appointments?

I love you.

[ and he can never say it enough, never hear it enough. before apehlios, dan feng had not known peace or happiness since the days of the quintet, and had been quite sure that he would never know them again. he had foolishly resisted his husband's advances for so long.. but now, here they are, and he couldn't be happier for it. as aphelios goes on about vitamins and appointments and being good and responsible, dan feng can't help the fondness that swells inside of him, warm and overwhelming. his smile is warm, his sharp green eyes soft around the edges. ]

All right. I trust you.

[ he says softly, and leans in to rub his nose affectionately along his husband's, seeking another kiss, and another. he's never tired of kissing aphelios to begin with, but now, surely, he'll gladly take a hundred more. there's so much research to be done.. dan feng's mind is already reeling, taking count of all the things he needs to look into, all the books he'll need to read, and things to look up on the internet..

either way, he nods. ]

Yes, let me know when you have free time, and I'll make the first available appointments.

[ is he gonna be a helicopter husband about this? absolutely yes. ]

[ honestly, the helicoptering is both expected and welcome—even before they actually decided to try, aphelios had known dan feng would be a protective parent. even if this pregnancy wasn't so significant for myriad other reasons, dan feng likely still would have been this way, just because of who he is—so loving, so protective, so thoughtful. it doesn't surprise phel to find that his assumption was right, as dan feng takes to more or less managing phel's pregnancy like a fish to water (so to speak). he schedules aphelios' appointments, makes sure he takes his vitamins, cooks for them to make sure that their meals are balanced and nutritious.

maybe for some people, it would be too much, all the doting and spoiling. for ahelios, it's absolutely perfect. if there's one thing that surprises him, it's this: after ten years he was sure he'd found every side of dan feng to fall in love with, only to learn that there was still room in him to fall further in love with dan feng as a father, with the gentle, nurturing side of him too.

so aphelios leaves the logistical things to dan feng and instead focuses on caring for himself. they tell alune, who certainly already saw it and yet still cries at the news; they tell the lunari, who immediately light up with whispers about one of their fated children bearing a fated child. aphelios keeps going to work, where he tells yone and the heartsteel members and promises them all that they can be uncles in name if not in relation. he cuts back on caffeine and adds more protein.

slowly, his body starts to change. it doesn't seem obvious, at first, the process is so slow and so easily hidden under phel's usual clothes. the bigger changes are other things: how often he has to pee, the way he catches himself craving combinations of foods he'd never eaten before. but the morning of their 12-week scan—the one where they're meant to find out the baby's sex and hear its heartbeat (!!!), phel comes out from their closet into the bedroom where dan feng is getting ready and says, ] Babe, look.

[ he's wearing a t-shirt. admittedly, it's a fitted one, but at least it used to hang straight down his body; now, it stretches over the shape of his belly. he looks down at himself, then looks up at dan feng, one hand resting almost uncertainly against the side of his stomach. ]

...You probably noticed already, huh, [ he says after a second, a smile tugging at his lips. ] We might need to go buy clothes soon.

[ it's an easy thing for dan feng to fuss over his husband, and it's also to be expected, really. the baby that his husband is carrying is special and precious in a hundred thousand different ways, and there's little he wouldn't do to protect them both. his husband. his child. their family.

so they continue on as they have been, with a few changes. their diet has not been terrible, but it's better now, more balanced, they keep to a firm sleep schedule, to be sure that aphelios gets plenty of rest. and of course, dan feng buries himself in research, in the biology of producing a child, learning what it will need to thrive, the best food products, parenting styles.. to say that he is invested would be a complete understatement.

but there are nerves, as well. worries that pick at him under the surface. their pregnancy is still quite young, it isn't guaranteed to stick, even same-species pregnancies can be unstable during the first trimester, let alone one between the two of them. but they've managed to reach twelve weeks.. and their doctors are optimistic. so far, everything is looking good. looking excellent.

so dan feng is feeling comfortable today, as they prepare for their 12-week scan, nervous for entirely different reasons, excitable reasons. they shower, eat breakfast, and get dressed - dan feng is clasping on his jade dragon cufflinks when aphelios slips out of the closet. he smiles immediately. ]

It's about that time, hmm?

[ standing up from the edge of the bed, dan feng approaches, settling both of his hands on either side of his husband's belly. ]

And before you ask, no, you don't look fat.

[ with his next question precluded neatly, aphelios closes his mouth and pouts at dan feng instead, pushing his lower lip out sulkily before he gives up on pretending and smiles instead. his hands smooth up dan feng's shoulders, gentle so as not to wrinkle the lovely fabric of his shirt. ]

Promise you'd still love me if I was? [ because one thing aphelios can guarantee is that he's gonna get a lot bigger than this before their baby makes its way into the world. (little does he know, heh.) he's only teasing, though, and he leans in to press a kiss to dan feng's mouth before he pulls away again. the shirt, regrettably, does need to be changed for something a little looser and more comfortable (and easier to pull up for the sonogram), but once that's done, all that's left is to check his keys and phone and wallet and then get on the road to the obgyn.

it's only when they're finally parked and exiting the car that aphelios gives in to his temptation and laces his fingers with dan feng's. he'd resisted through the entire drive, knowing that he should give his husband both hands to steer with, but since there's nothing else between them and the doctor's office, phel thinks he can cut himself a break.

in the elevator on the way up, phel leans against the wall and rests his head on dan feng's shoulder and says, ] I know we're gonna love this baby no matter what, but have you thought at all about if you want a boy or a girl or neither or both or whatever?

[ the gender situation between them is indeed quite fucky, but among aphelios' less... fluid friends, it's a topic that's come up once or twice. ]

[ yes he would love you if you were fat, and a worm!! he would love you if you were a fat worm!! god.

dan feng finishes dressing, then pulls his long hair back into a loose braid down his back, and they're off. the drive is uneventful, but by the time they're stepping out of the car again he's feeling nervous again, a light fluttery feeling in his stomach. their hands link, phel draws close, and dan feng feels calmed all but immediately. at that question, however, he tilts his head thoughtfully. ]

I'm not sure that I have a preference.

[ vidyadhara can reincarnate into any sex, after all, so dan feng has never been particularly attached to his gender, or had strong feelings when it comes to gender norms, as well. he squeezes aphelios' hand. ]

How about you?

[ ugh what a man!!! ]

I haven't really thought about it. [ aphelios laughs, swinging their joined hands between them. ] As long as they're healthy, I feel like... the rest kind of doesn't matter. You know?

[ the elevator dings and the doors slide open, depositing them into the hallway outside the doctor's office. a little jolt of anticipation goes through aphelios, and he shivers exaggeratedly, squeezing dan feng's hand as he moves to pull the door open. ]

...Should we even ask them to tell us? [ is the follow-up question, once they've checked in and taken their seats in the waiting area. phel rubs absently at his belly, but he's looking over at dan feng, his gaze bright and inquisitive. ] Or should we ask them to do that—you know, put it in a sealed envelope so it's a secret even from us... thing?

[ as far as phel is concerned, long as they come out of here having heard a heartbeat, he's content—the sex is much, much less interesting to him than the health of their baby. ]

[ they check in together, take their seats to wait, and dan feng continues to think, since phel is still on the topic. ]

I don't think there's any harm in knowing, but.. if you'd prefer, we can get it in a sealed envelope.

[ he pulls aphelios' hand into his lap, giving it a little squeeze, and covering it with his opposite hand. watching him rub at his belly.. it's so cute, and dan feng can't help his smile. it feels like he's smiling so very much these days, that he's just so damned happy that he can hardly contain it. he should be more cautious, more guarded, but.. it's all right to be happy, isn't it? ]

I suppose that if I knew, and you did not, you wouldn't be able to stand it, would you?

[ their names are soon called, and dan feng glances up. ]

[ even aphelios has noticed it, that dan feng seems happier—and it makes sense, it really does. even with all the uncertainties still ahead of them, the mere fact that they'd managed to get this pregnancy to take at all is a miracle. it's hard not to smile at the idea of it, both for what it means for the two of them and for what it means for the vidyadhara in general. ]

I would hate it, [ aphelios says with a grin as they stand. ] I'd tell you not to tell me and then immediately start bugging you to tell me.

[ and dan feng probably would tell him, because he's a simp and gives aphelios everything he wants, but then phel would be disappointed in himself for asking, so he would make dan feng not tell him, but then he would keep being annoying about telling him... etcetera, etcetera. ]

...Let's just find out, [ he finally says, laughing and shaking his head as if to clear away the circles he's thought himself into. ] Even if it won't change anything, I'm too curious not to know.

[ and with that decision made, aphelios hops up on the ultrasound table and leans back against it to wait for the technician to come in. when she does, it's with a cheerful greeting and an efficient manner, and before long aphelios has his shirt pulled up to his chest and is watching as the ultrasound wand spreads gel over his stomach. one hand keeps the fabric of his shirt up and out of the way; the other, he reaches out blindly for dan feng's as images start to appear on the screen. ]

[ to that answer, dan feng can only chuckle, because it's true, and he can see it playing out in his mind's eye. aphelios would quietly go insane if he if dan feng knew, and he didn't, so that is soundly off of the table. they stand together, and he nods as they move toward the exam room. ]

All right. We'll find out.

[ they'll love their child regardless, after all, whatever its gender turns out to be will be irrelevant in the end. all that matters is that it's healthy and happy.

their hands release as aphelios hips up onto the table, and dan feng approaches, greeting the technician politely, watching her hands as she works, until at last the images begin to flash. truth be told, dan feng doesn't quite know what he's seeing, but he looks nonetheless, knowing that those strange, black and white pictures are their child, and that is more than enough.

the flutter of a little heartbeat, however - that much he can see and hear, and the sound of it brings immediate tears to his eyes. dan feng is able to hold them back with a sharp breath and a few rounds of rapid blinking.. at least until a second little fluttery beat is found, and shock overcomes him. ]

Two?

[ at first, the black and white screen seems to be showing little more than blobs—aphelios can't even begin to guess what any of them actually are, short of "guts, probably." it's only when the technician points out the round shape of a head that phel even starts to understand what he's looking at, and even then, it's not until he hears the flutter of a heartbeat that it starts to feel real—like what he's seeing on the screen is a baby, their baby, growing strong and healthy inside him.

he looks away from the screen to smile over at dan feng, his own eyes feeling a little wet, which in turn means that he gets a clear view of dan feng's expression as shock comes over it. ]

—What?

[ his head whips back around so fast it gives him a crick in his neck, but even as phel is lifting a hand to rub at the sore place, his eyes are wide and fixed on the ultrasound screen above them. indeed, there are the flutters of two heartbeats coming over the speakers; indeed, he can see two little round shapes, presumably heads, nestled almost side-by-side inside his womb.

for a second, aphelios feels dizzy—surely he's imagining this? ]

Is that—is that real? I'm having twins?

[ they had known, of course, going into this, that the possibility of a multiple birth was always there, but in truth neither of them had expected for that to happen. truth be told, they certainly felt incredibly lucky that even one of the eggs had taken, dan feng surely never would have hoped for two. his heart is lodged in his throat, pounding hard as he looks at the screen in disbelief.

two little fluttering heartbeats. two vaguely baby-shaped blobs, side by side.

given their abject shock, the technician soon smiles and nods, explaining that yes, there are indeed two of them, healthy growing babies lying side by side together, it's nearly impossible to believe, and it's clear that even the technician herself is surprised as well, though she naturally remains professionally composed. who could have expected that a vidyadharan pregnancy would take in the first place - nevermind twins. ]

Aphelios.. I -

[ he says softly, his breath leaving him in a rush, and then his hand around his husband's tightens, squeezing, while hot tears stream down his face. he can't look away from the screen, can hardly believe what he is seeing and hearing. ]

[ the technician is definitely saying words, but aphelios isn't really hearing them. he can't stop staring at the screen, at the shapes he can make out there, two babies taking form inside him. he probably asks "are you sure?" about fifteen times, and every time the technician reassures him that she is; it's only on the sixteenth time that phel finally turns to dan feng, his eyes wide, tears leaking down his cheeks as he looks down at his husband. ]

Babe... [ he squeezes dan feng's hand back, completely at a loss for words. what words are there to encompass something like this, a miracle of this size? the likelihood of a single vidyadharan baby being properly fertilized and beginning to grow was infinitesimally tiny—the likelihood of twins is...

judging by the fascinated look on the technician's face as she excuses herself to go get the doctor, she knows how impossible this is, how miraculous. she helps to wipe the gel off of aphelios' belly, then excuses herself to go get the doctor, and as soon as she's gone phel tugs his shirt back down and immediately slips off the table so he can sit in dan feng's lap, uncomfortable hospital chair be damned. ]

Two babies... [ his breathing hitches, and he presses his face into dan feng's neck, clinging to his shoulders. ] We're having two babies...

[ and that, aphelios knows, makes it so much riskier. one baby was a marvel; two is a miracle, and it raises the stakes, makes him even more conscious of exactly how much they stand to lose if this pregnancy doesn't go to plan. ]

[ aphelios slips into his lap, and dan feng accepts him without hesitation, his arms already open even before his husband slides into them.

it's impossible to believe, that such a thing could occur. that they could be so incredibly fortunate, to have not one, but two of the eggs quicken.. the odds are astronomically against them. dan feng's hands are trembling as he grasps at the back of aphelios' shirt, holding him as near as he can, his head dipped to press his face into his shoulder. ]

I love you.

[ he whispers softly, closing his stinging eyes, his heart pounding still against his throat. he's so incredibly grateful, his body feels tight, his chest full and warm and bursting with love. ]

Thank you.. I - [ he starts, his voice catching. ] Thank you.

[ they may have accomplished this thing together, but it was aphelios' idea to try, to never give up, and it is aphelios' body that is nurturing their growing children, that has made this absolute, incredible miracle possible.

[ it doesn't feel like something that dan feng needs to thank him for, but aphelios still cradles his face and presses their lips together softly in a series of lingering, sweet kisses. even if it is aphelios' body carrying their children, it was dan feng who gave him the eggs, dan feng's seed that fertilized them... it is hardly something either of them could have done alone. ]

I love you, [ phel eventually whispers as he rests their foreheads together. people walk by outside in the hallway, but his whole world is narrowed down to this room, the two of them clinging to each other. ] I'm... a little scared.

[ not of bearing the children—but just of the magnitude of what it all signifies. although aphelios had already been determined to be the best possible parent he can be, now it feels even more important that he do everything right. he leans his cheek against dan feng's shoulder and plays with his fingers for a second before pressing that hand to his own belly. ]

We're going to be good at this, right?

[ a joint effort or no, all dan feng knows is that without aphelios, none of this could have happened, and for that he is endlessly, achingly grateful. he holds his husband, his lover, his heart so close, and when aphelios speaks again, dan feng hesitates, then hums softly. ]

So am I.

[ aside from what he's read, dan feng has no idea what he's doing as a parent, no idea whether or not he'll be good at it. so many years dan feng had spent with his heart closed off, he's terrified now that he couldn't possibly be a good father. yet he has aphelios by his side, who keeps him tender and warm, who gives him hope and confidence. rubbing their noses together, dan feng briefly closes his eyes. ]

We're going to love them with all of out hearts, and that is what matters.

[ he says softly, the hand pressed to aphelios' belly smoothing over that soft, warm bump, as if he can feel their children growing beneath his palm. ]

Everything else will fall into place.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

i want that can't sleep love

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