loong | a great escape;

a great escape;

[ this planet.. is a tranquil one. lonely, but peaceful. there are no intelligent species here, but that is, perhaps, for the best - dan feng's penance continues, after all. in escaping the luofu he was not attempting to escape general punishment, only the molting rebirth. fear of losing himself, of losing his memories, his sense of self..

perhaps it made him a coward, to flee, but warm memories are all he has now, and he could not bear to part with them just yet.

so here he waits, alone in his own beautiful purgatory, awaiting the end of his days, nursing his ailing mind, existing in torment and in bliss in equal measure. his hatching rebirth will come in time, and only then, perhaps, will he be free of his sin, or at the very least, free of his pain. the crime of the previous life must be atoned for in the next, but.. his memories of the quintet would vanish, save for in dreams, and his reincarnation could live on.

it's a lush, lovely planet, where he has escaped to, slowly orbiting the glowing deep of a black hole, where time, for him, runs more slowly, dragging out like a string of sticky molasses. there are thick forests and vast wetlands, eighty percent of this world is water, and there is no sign that intelligent life has ever existed here. no ruins. no scrawled paintings in caves. no hidden chambers beneath the seas. three hundred years he has spent combing the globe and found nothing to suggest that anyone but he has walked the earth here. only animals. insects. fish. they make decent company, but dan feng still keeps to himself, living out of a modest shelter built near the water's edge.

three hundred years, and he speaks to no one, says nothing, until the day the majestic luofu blots out the light of the diffracting black hole.

the sight of it stills his heart in his breast, and dan feng finds his throat running dry, but when the small starskiff lands he is standing quietly, watchful and calm, the tip of his tail swaying behind him as he watches jing yuan disembark, resplendent in his general's clothing. he takes a deep breath.. releases it. ]

.. you must have been very keen to find me, to brave the dangers of the black hole.

[ for time.. time is a precious thing, every hour he spends here could be a year on the luofu. ]

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[ jing yuan's touch is warm and welcome, and for a moment dan feng does not respond, only turns his face against his lover's palm, closing his eyes and basking in the warmth of it. ah, how to explain.. ]

Perhaps.. perhaps it is easier to show you.

[ dan feng lifts a hand from the water, taking jing yuan's hand and guiding it down beneath the water, drawing it between his legs. his vent pulses, and he winces, guiding jing yuan's fingers along the rounded shape that bulges there. he swallows thickly and takes a deep breath. the urge to push is strong, and so with a soft cry he indulges it, bearing down, his teeth clenched in pain as the bulge grows, something beginning to emerge.

it's somewhat soft in texture, covered in smooth scales. another gasp, another push, and the egg finally springs free against jing yuan's palm, still warm from his body. it's not large, but not small, either - perhaps the size of a grapefruit or similar. ]

[Jing Yuan’s brow is furrowed in concern but he allows Dan Feng to guide his hand beneath the shallow water. Concern quickly morphs to surprise at the feeing of an object there.

He catches the round shape in his hand and brings it out of the water to inspect it.

It’s quite lovely in shape with pretty scales. It reminds him of the ones in the…

This is an egg.]

Egg… [He looks at it for a while longer.] You’re laying eggs…

How…? Why?

[Suddenly this is the most precious item in the word and he holds the round and scaled item close to his chest, cradling it with care.]

Will it hatch!?

[Is he going to be a father? That’s… so late in both their lifespans that’s not ideal but the want is so heavy and prominent mixed with hope. But even with this little fantasy he knows the truth about Dan Feng’s people. Their whole issue is that they cannot just create more of themselves. And thus… This egg will never hatch. And he shouldn’t make Dan Feng say it.]

Sorry… I got carried away. It was just a surprise…

[ that question stings more than he would like to admit. curing the vidyadhara of their cycle of reincarnation had always been at the forefront of dan feng's mind, and it was a large part of why he did what he did, tried to use the arcanum to integrate other races with the blood of the dragon.

he'd failed, and failed terribly, though he had been so very close..

dan feng's gaze drops, and he shakes his head. no, it will not hatch. it will never hatch, no matter how the two of them may deeply desire it. he swallows thickly, laying a hand against his belly. ]

It happens sometimes, rarely, when a a vidyadhara receives a mating bond. In some individuals, it triggers a response of our latent biology. That's all.

[ that's all. as if it isn't terribly heartbreaking that they cannot make life together. heartache thrums through their bond, but it's broken up soon enough by another lance of pain, dan feng's back arching against the tub as he grasps the edges with both hands. ]

[He is deeply sorry he asked so thoughtlessly. It thrums in their bond but he won’t focus on that. Dan Feng needs him.]

Here, let me help.

[He gets into the tub with him, the warm water splashing and sloshing around them both as he makes himself comfortable. He sits across but keeps himself close, hands on Dan Feng’s thighs for the moment.]

I’ll help get them out… Just push and I’ll catch them.

[He puts the one that has already emerged aside, carefully set on a wash cloth where it can’t fall or roll and break.]

[ jing yuan is sorry, but dan feng can hardly blame him for his question, however blunt; it would have been an easy assumption to make. a shame for them both that the answer is not what they hope it could be.

when jing yuan steps into the tub, dan feng attempts to make room for him as best as he can, spreading his legs with a low groan, though the warm settle of jing yuan's hands on his thighs is a comfort. the pain is deep, twisting in his stomach, a throbbing, pulsing ache that ripples through his abdomen and lances up his spine. for a moment he closes his eyes, his instinct to tell jing yuan not to help, he can do it on his own - but there's no need for pride between them, and his lover wants to help. it would almost be cruel not to allow him to. ]

.. all right.

[ he whispers, another wave of pain crashing, the urge to bear down again. squeezing his eyes closed, dan feng shifts his hips and pushes, a second egg beginning to crown. it's slick and slippery, but beautiful in color and shape, with a lovely iridescent sheen and soft leathery scales, just like the first. ]

[He drags his hands further down Dan Feng's thighs, uncertain how to truly be helpful. Massaging? Should he just help remove the eggs? Spread the vent with his fingers? He's not sure. But maybe his presence is helpful enough?

He catches the second egg finding it just as beautiful as the first. He runs his fingers along the lovely scales mourning the life that does not exist within. He presses his lips against the shell before setting it beside its brother and then his attention is on Dan Feng once more.

He presses a hand carefully against his lover's abdomen, trying to sooth the pain that's so clearly there.]

Are there more? Should I... [What? Reach in there? Try and ease them out? This is all a terrible mystery to him but he wants to help.] What would make this less painful?

[ oh, jing yuan.. he's truly such a soft and gentle man. the way he dotes on the eggs is both sweet and heartbreaking at once, and not for the first time does dan feng's soul flicker with envy of those who can reproduce, and experience the joy of having a child with the person they love. a family.

the hand at his belly calms him, however, and dan feng takes a deep, shuddering breath. ]

A few more, I think.. [ he says softly, and exhales. ] .. but I cannot say. I've never.. never experienced this before - nnf -

[ what will help, he cannot say - nothing, most likely, it simply needs to run its course, if other living creatures births are any indication. dan feng never looked particularly closely at this particular vidyadhara quirk, considering how rarely it happened. he pushes again, a third egg beginning to slowly slide free. ]

Perhaps.. ease it out, if you can.

[Never? Not with Yingxing who had the mark first? Perhaps he never bit back, not wanting to seal something that was fleeting and short lived. He doesn't dwell on any of that and refocuses and simply gives a nod at the instruction.

Jing Yuan wets his lips and slips his fingers into the loose vent, fingers brushing against the egg. He doesn't want to push it back in, of course. But he does try and help ease it out, pressing down on the pelvic floor to ease the passage. With two eggs already having passed through the rest should only become easier... Or that's what he'd like to assume.]

Just keep pushing... I'll get them out. This one's close.

[He can feel it against his fingers which he moves so not to impede its passage.]

[ never, indeed. yingxing had never bitten back, hadn't wanted dan feng to feel too attached to someone he would vastly outlive.. not that it had mattered, in the end. yingxing found terrible immortality, and dan feng loved him still, after all of this time. loved them both, with everything he has. ]

Mm.. understood.

[ there are five eggs total, in the end. the pain lances and aches, twists his stomach up tightly, but dan feng bites it back and keeps pushing, sweat clinging to his skin. each egg hurts more than the one before it, for how sore he has become, and by the end dan feng is panting hard, trembling and flushed, slumped back against the tub as the last egg slips free into jing yuan's waiting hands.

with a soft, pained cry he squeezes his eyes closed, one hand moving over his abdomen, trying to palpate, to feel for the presence of any more eggs. ]

I think.. nn. I think that's all of them.

[Jing Yuan cradles each egg as they're passed and sets them carefully aside. It seems like such a painful experience and he doesn't envy it a bit. There's not even anything he can do to help make it better. Not until it's over.

But once it is, he makes the water a little hotter to help ease any soreness and then he gathers Dan Feng in his arms, pulling him onto his lap, nose burying into his neck and arms wrapped around him securely. He has no words for this moment. It's just... sad. And heartbreaking. All he can do is hold his lover and try and ease the physical pain as best he can.

And be there for him, naturally.]

I can make the water hotter, if you need it...

[ though it is surely less painful than mammalian childbirth, it still aches terribly, and even once the last egg passes his abdomen still feels tense and painful, tender, his vent sore from being stretched again and again. but jing yuan's arms are so very warm. dan feng leans into him, allowing his body to slump into his lover's arms, his breath rushing from him softly. he shakes his head. ]

No.. just hold me.

[ he murmurs, laying his head back against jing yuan's shoulder, and turning it to nudge his nose to his jaw.

he does not know what to say. everything he is feeling ripples through their bond - aching heartbreak, a strange loneliness, an emptiness of the soul. he'd wanted so badly to cure the vidyadhara of their cursed reincarnation, to give them the answer they'd looked to him to solve.. in the end, he had caused far more damage than he had ever saved them from.

hot tears sting, and dan feng closes his eyes against them. ]

[He runs his fingers through Dan Feng's tangled hair while offering as much comfort as he can. It's a shame that this has become such a sorrowful note as their time together teeters on hours and not days.

The ache of their bond full of regret and sorrow and wishes that cannot be fulfilled. There is no changing their past or their present and, quite frankly, their future. All five of them have lived incredibly difficult lives and felt like outcasts, each in their own unique way. That their lives would be frought with difficulty is not unsurprising and perhaps to be expected but that doesn't make the ache any easier to bear.

At least... they have these moments even in quiet sorrow and at least they are not spent alone. Jing Yuan presses a kiss to Dan Feng's temple, attempting to squash such sorrow with his unyielding affection and love. A reminder that despite everything he has waited for both his old lovers for over seven hundred years. That the love they have while fractured and damaged is capable of being repaired. And they will find Blade and reunite them altogether even if it is just as fleeting. Just as temporary they will have it once more.

He lifts a hand to brush away the tears that cling to dark lashes before they have a chance to form and stain the other's pale cheeks.]

I love you, A-Feng... Always. Through storm and perilous sea... From the sun to the moon and every star in between. In this life and the one after... I will find you at the end of this thread and follow you into the next.

[He presses another kiss to Dan Feng's temple, sealing his words with deep affection, helped by the bond.]

Edited 2024-03-10 08:30 (UTC)

[ dan feng lies against him, allowing himself to accept jing yuan's strength and love, sinking into the warmth of his arms. he truly is the best of them all, after all he has been through, all of the heartache and loss and pain, he is still as warm and welcoming as the sun on a spring day. he doesn't want to leave, doesn't want to part from this wonderful man to sail off into the cold stars - dan feng wants to remain here, buried against him in lust and in love until the end of their days.

but that cannot be. there are wrongs that need righting, and it is dan feng's duty and responsibility to seek out blade, to calm his rage, to bring him around again. and he wants to, he misses yingxing dearly, the crafstman so close to his heart. if only jing yuan could go with him.. but ah, those sweet, heartfelt words soothe him, and dan feng lifts a hand from the water to cup at his lover's jaw, turning his head to look into his beautiful golden eyes. ]

I love you too, my dearest one. [ he touches their brows together, breathes softly against jing yuan's lips. ] I love you with everything I have, and I always will. You're the light in my heart. You're my strength.

[ their lips touch, the kiss soft and tender, full of the love that surges through their bond. ]

[All of this feels so much like saying goodbye... And it breaks his heart to small pieces all over again. And yes, this truly could be one of the last times they see each other. Tomorrow is not a promised thing. Certainly not for him at his age. And not for Dan Feng who will sail into the stars in search of someone who wants him dead.

Perhaps fortune may smile upon them. It hasn't thus far but... perhaps...

He closes his eyes at Dan Feng's kiss, trying not to tremble too much. To allow tears to fall. There have been so many in this week both of sorrow and bliss. He moves his lips against his lover's but doesn't delve too deeply, pulling back to brush some of those dark strands back.]

Let me take care of you before you go... Wash your hair, shine your scales... I have some of Yingxing's old hairpins if you wish to wear them... And I can tell you about him and what to expect at last. I want you to be prepared as you can be for what you find.

[ his jing yuan is so lovely.. so kind. dan feng smiles, sad but soft. ]

All right. I'll allow you to spoil me.

[ yingxing's hairpins, kept for so long.. it makes dan feng's heart ache for their lost lover, but it will be good to have some of his things close, to carry yingxing with him across the stars.. and jing yuan, too. ]

But only if you promise me something of yours to take with me, as well. A hair ribbon, perhaps.

[ so he can have them both with him, when he's feeling alone. ]

[He noses into Dan Feng's temple and hums an agreement.]

I'll give you a ribbon and a few other trinkets that may serve you well. [He has some treasures that will serve his lover better than he. The General takes in a deep breath and is gentle in sliding Dan Feng off his lap a bit so he can access his hair. He reaches for a comb and begins to run it through the tangled strands.] I'll also ensure that you have extra things to wear and that your journey through the stars is as comfortable as possible...

Whatever you need for your lengthy travels.

[With the long hair brushed out he begins to get it damp, being mindful of getting water into the former high elder's eyes.]

Even if I cannot make it... I hope you two find each other and manage to be as you once were.

[He means that with all his heart, he does. Earnest honesty pours from the bond but it is also coated with a hint of sorrow, a kind of sadness he can't hide from Dan Feng anymore. There are no more smiles and assurances that he will be fine while hiding his true feelings as he's done for hundreds upon hundreds of years. That's taken some getting used to even in just their few days together.]

[ jing yuan is, as always, far too good to him, offering him more than he asked for, to see to it that dan feng's travels are as comfortable and safe as they can possibly be. truly, he does not deserve this man, this wonderful, warm, gentle lion of a man..

the comb in his hair feels nice, and dan feng closes his eyes, relishing in the feel of it, the gentle tugs at his scalp, and the slide of jing yuan's fingers through his inky locks. it's easy to understand why jing yuan enjoys this so much - having his hair touched; it sends a shiver down dan feng's spine. he listens quietly, breathing a soft exhale, trying to accept jing yuan's words for what they are. the possibility that he will not make it to them. it's like a knife in his heart.

but he can't say that jing yuan is wrong. they're grown men, not young boys, both of them are quite capable of seeing what is ahead of them, and the past has not been kind - they have no reason to think that the future shall be any kinder. still.. dan feng wants to believe. ]

You will make it. [ he says quietly, sending his love and assurance through the bond, his belief in jing yuan's abilities and devotion. ] We will wait for you, at the end of the universe.

[If he survives whatever is being set up. If he can find them. If he can fend off the encroaching mara long enough. And then what... Have his two old lovers watch him slowly lose his mind? He can't imagine what that scene will do to Blade's own Mara. It could turn so violent and bloody.

It might be a kindness to them all to not find them. To let the Ten Lords do their job so he can meet the fate of all those who become Marastruck. Or go somewhere far away where he can't do any harm and...

His thoughts and feelings are no longer just his own. So he tries not to stay on this line of thinking for too long lest he upset Dan Feng further. Or well... they need to speak of Yingxing so there is no not upsetting his partner.]

At the very least you will be there, hm? Let me tell you what to expect of Yingxing... [He reaches for a bottle to begin lathering up the other's hair, digging his fingers into the scalp and massaging the suds in to the hair.] I don't know what become of him after everything, truth be told. But I know that Jingliu and him found each other. Master was already marastruck by then and... so was he. Whatever happened to him during all of that turned him into a long life species, cursed with immediate mara and one that had taken hold immediately.

I know only the smallest details of what has been relayed in bits and pieces by various parties. Whatever transpired exactly between those two you will have to learn for yourself. But I do know is that he now wields the blade he made for her so long ago and it is a broken and damaged thing, seemingly held together by the mara itself as if it were an extension of him.

Somewhere along the line in his path to destroy himself Yingxing ran across a group of individuals known as the Stellaron Hunters. They are a criminal organization that do just about anything you can think of. And Yingxing has quite the bounty for his arrest... His crimes many and regrettable. But for what it's worth he has found a place with them all. Though he is difficult to read these days from what I was able to gather in their short time here he cares for them, in his way, and I would dare to say they care for him in turn.

[His fingers move further along the hair, lathering up the long strands right down to the ends.]

But his criminal activities should be the least of your concerns... Yingxing is not who he once was and has in fact discarded that name completely. He goes by Blade now. The once grumpy blacksmith that was arrogant and rude but still full of warmth that burned hotter than his furnace there is now... nothing. He is a shell of who he once was. Despondent to everything and with a deeply singular focus of seeing the end to a few members of our fractured quintet. He spent a great deal of time hunting down your reincarnation... A path he has since stepped back from, for a time... His ultimate goal is to find his own demise. An end to his eternal life. He is careless with his body as he tears it apart as much as his enemies.

His memories are fractured and broken... A trait of mara, of course, but there is an external force that is wiping them in order to keep the mara in check. Though that is the extent of my knowledge in regards to that. I would be prepared that the life you lived together no longer exists within him anymore, those memories discarded some time ago.

[His fingers card through the long strands, thumb brushing along the ends but before he does anything more he pulls Dan Feng close, smearing the soapy suds along his chest, holding him as he continues to say these things that will only bring pain and sorrow.]

You will not have trouble recognizing him but he does not look as you might think. The mara reversed his time along side extending it. His hair is back to its inky color, tinted red at the ends... The familiar silver that we got used to is no longer. The lines of age have vanished too. And the vivid purple of his eyes have faded into the mara scarlet with pupils that you would not recognize from our once craftsman. He is a picture of scars and wounds that he won't let heal... Old burns from the furnace are now replaced by scars that make the fingers stiff and unable to create...

He is different in every way from the man you remember and I need you to be prepared as possible for what you find. If it hurts, if it's too much... If you cannot reach him then say what you must and leave. Do not linger with a man that will only cause you unfathomable pain. You can't save him or free him from his suffering. None of us can...

Sometimes the kinder thing to do is let go.

[Rich coming from him but not untrue.]

[ jing yuan goes on at length, and dan feng remains respectfully silent as he speaks, panting for him a terribly picture of his beloved, an image of pain and violence, of fury and blood, and with each word spoken he feels his heart sink deeper into his gut. some of these things are not terribly surprising, given what little dan feng knows, but others.. shock him. to think that his dearest yingxing could be capable of such terrible things makes his heart twist in his breast, for even the sedition had been performed out of love and grief.

mara is an awful, terrible thing.

even worse is the advice that jing yuan gives, that he should give up, leave him to his suffering and madness, let go. the very mention of it draws a soft, pained noise from dan feng's chest, his eyes squeezing closed against the deluge of emotion. ]

.. it is my fault, Jing Yuan. My choices led directly to Yingxing becoming what he is now. My pain is irrelevant.

[ and perhaps.. it is even deserved. should blade choose to use dan feng's body as a punching bag to vent his spleen, then.. then perhaps he should allow him to, if it brings him even the smallest sliver of relief and catharsis. surely it is the least that dan feng can do for him, to allow him to ease his suffering in any way possible. ]

[He can feel all of Dan Feng's pain but he has to steel himself against it to tell him how things are. He needs to hear it even if it hurts it has to be done. He cannot send his lover into the maw of Blade's madness without warning him of it first.

However... He can't help his own surge of grief when Dan Feng denies leaving Blade be. Of accepting that fate. The old ache of not being held in the same regard as Yingxing can't help but fester. It seems like a wound that will never heal. Not when things like this are said to him. Perhaps worse... it cannot be hidden. And that seems unfair, in a way. But he will meet this pain head on because he must. Because there's no hiding from it.]

And what of me, Dan Feng? [He asks softly.] Not every transgression in this world must be paid with blood. If no forgiveness can be accepted. If his rancor and hate runs too deep then why not turn away from it. He is not suffering alone out in the universe. He has found individuals that care for him and look out for him.

You would simply die at his hands to satisfy him? You are not just bound to him anymore... Your life is not just his to take. It is also mine to have and cherish. Do I not have a say in if you live or die? And if I do not... then why? Why must I continue to wait while you two go off and throw your lives away again?

[It feels bitter and childish to feel this way but he knows, he knows it's not. The pain burns hot in his chest like bubbling acid. And tears prick at the corner of his eyes for what feels like the hundredth time in their time together. The eyelids feel sore from the flood of emotions that keep pouring through. But why...? Why must he always be left behind. Even with the bond he still can't reach them.]

Surely you did not bite me simply to placate me as one would a child...

[Now that is a bitter and childish thing to say... and he knows it's not true. He does. He's felt the love and warmth in abundance over the course of these few days. It has given him all the reason to toss his doubts away about how cherished he is. But Yingxing, as ever, changes things. And perhaps in matters like these one will always hold favor over another.

He should apologize, he knows. But the words stick and he cannot utter them. Perhaps because he would not mean it. He feels bruised by this conversation and his emotions feel prickly and on edge as he cannot escape the bond nor pull away from it to try and hide how he feels, ashamed of the emotions that flood through and are ugly vile things.]

[ a prickle of annoyance spikes through their bond, and dan feng turns, looking jing yuan directly in the eye. ]

Is that what you think, Jing Yuan? Having felt my heart rippling through yours, you still truly believe that I see you that way?

[ he shifts in the water, to better face jing yuan, his expression tight with pain and simmering anger. has he still not proven to jing yuan that he loves him just as much as he loved yingxing? that he adores him from the crown of his head to the tips of his toes? his relationship with yingxing is intense, yes, but it is no more or less what he feels for jing yuan, and to be entirely fair, were it jing yuan who desired to kill him for his sins.. dan feng would allow that, as well, if it brought him relief from his pain, and made up for his terrible transgressions.

his hands lift, bracketing jing yuan's face and turning it to meet his eyes head on. ]

Do not run from me.

[ he can feel it, the way jing yuan tries to resist the bond, tries to pull away from him, tries to hide his shame and grief, but there is no hiding anymore. ]

I would die at his hands.. because I deserve it, qin ai de. Because I have caused irreparable damage to his heart. To yours. To my people. You of all people understand responsibility, and how it should not be run from.

[ after all, is jing yuan not remaining here on the luofu out of a sense of duty, rather than following his heart, and going with dan feng to find their lost love? in truth it stings him, that jing yuan chooses his duty over him, over them, but he respects it, because that is jing yuan's way, that is who he is. he is a dutiful, responsible man. touching their brows together, he exhales in a shiver, closing his stinging eyes. ]

I do not.. deserve happiness. It has nothing to do with him, or you. I love you both with everything I have, stop thinking you are lesser.

[He does try to run... To have his true feelings, ugly as they are, seen is uncomfortable. He's used to hiding everything behind smiles. And were they not connected at present he would do it here as well. But as they are he has to confront all this ugliness head on. Or as close to head on as he can for even as Dan Feng captures his face his eyes remain lowered.

All Dan Feng's words do is create a buzz of irritation and waves of hurt.]

Maybe that's true... Maybe you do deserve it. And maybe you do not deserve happiness. But... don't I?

[He hates the words as they leave his lips. Because they're so selfish. Far selfish than he is comfortable being even if he does not think them wrong, exactly. He who has spent so much of his days trying to undo the damage caused by old friends. While still trying to protect the little pieces of them that were left behind. His very home is a self made grave of old friends and it is where he has chosen to reside.]

I am not as strong as Master. And I am not as resilient as Yingxing. When the mara comes there will be no resisting it. I have sustained too many deep Abundance aligned injuries for it not to come and come swiftly. If you have created this bond with me only to perish senselessly...

[He closes his eyes trying to pull away. Needing to. It's too much. Too much ugliness is on display and he cannot stand it.]

You have all left me behind... But this is the one thing I do not wish to be alone for. Won't one of the people who once claimed such unyielding affection once upon a time not be there?

[And you, Dan Feng, who claims it now?]

But if you would accept the fate that Yingxing has decided for you... then I will not stop you. If only because I cannot.

[ people are ugly, sometimes. that is simply the way of it. dan feng knows this - knows well that he has been ugly more times than he can count. even his dearest jing yuan, the best of them all, is capable of ugliness, it does not disturb him.

what disturbs him is his lover's attempt to pull away, to try to isolate himself. they have mere hours remaining to them, he does not want to leave things this way after an achingly wonderful week together. dan feng breathes a soft, injured sound. if jing yuan will not look at him, will not come to him, then he will give chase, pressing his brow against his lover's shoulder. ]

You are a fool, for loving me..

[ he whispers, his hands slipping into jing yuan's soft hair. ]

For loving either of us. All we have done is bring you pain. Even now, I cannot make you happy.

[ perhaps he is foolish too, for giving his life up so easily, but he has no sense of worth, after all that he has done, all the terrible pain and suffering he has so selfishly wrought. both of his lovers would have been better off without him, would have been happier without him, and that is a simple fact. they deserved better, jing yuan and yingxing both, and dan feng's regret pulses painfully through their bond. in all of these hundreds of years alone, jing yuan could have found new lovers, ones far better than dan feng could ever hope to be. ]

I do not know how to begin to atone, while bringing you happiness. Both of you. [ for the guilt - it is eating him alive. jing yuan deserves everything. yingxing does, as well. ] But if this worthless life of mine will bring you comfort at the end.. then I will keep it.

[Even now, I cannot make you happy.

The dam for those tears crumbles to dust once more and they fall heavy from his golden eyes. Those words alone make it sound like Dan Feng will remain resolute in his path. That if Blade wills it, he will die. There's no resentment that thrums through their bond. Just unparalleled grief. A heart crying out that in the end it still remains like this. There's nothing more he can say or do if this is what Dan Feng wants.

Thankfully, it's eased by the words that follow, eventually. That he will be with him at the end... And there is relief that mingles with the sorrow. It eases the ache, the knife like pain that he felt through his center.]

Sometimes there is no atoning in this life. We make our choices and we must live with them. We are not owed forgiveness by those we've wronged. Nor will death make up for it either. Tomorrow comes and we make the best of it. Striving forward despite our mistakes.

A-Feng... [He tilts his head to rest his cheek against Dan Feng's soapy hair. Slowly, but surely, ceasing his hiding if only because he must speak and speak earnestly.] Your life, despite any and all transgressions, still holds value. It is precious to me and always has been. It is why I fought so hard to preserve it. It's why I am now the General of the Luofu for it was the only way to have the power to preserve any piece of you. I had to stop them from destroying you completely. And then I had to fight to free your reincarnation... Your worth to me could not be greater...

Even through my doubts... I have loved you with all that I am.

[ jing yuan's grief hits him hard, and dan feng's own radiates back. for all they chase happiness together, they are broken men, they carry pain and aching memories.. there can be no denying it. while many of their wounds have healed, they will always bear the scars. those spilling tears shred his soul, and dan feng lifts his head to kiss them away, his arms sliding around jing yuan and holding tightly. ]

You're too good of a man. Truly..

[ that he would still love dan feng, and sacrifice so much for him after all that he has done - that he would somehow find worth in this selfish, horrible creature.. he is far, far more than dan feng could ever hope to deserve, and there can be no convincing him that he is worth anything at all.

but for jing yuan's happiness, he will live on. if he can make a difference in this way.. then he will. it pains him to choose between his lovers, for one wants his life, and the other his death, and they are both deserving.. but he had given yingxing what he wanted in the past, perhaps it is jing yuan's turn, now. ]

Know that I love you. That I have always loved you. You were the best thing that happened to Yingxing and I.

[ and there can be no denying that, for the truth of it resonates through their bond. ]

You are my bright sun.

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